Film Three years ago, The Guardian ran a short series of columns by a "secret actor" and I spent those two months trying to work out who it was, which I never really did.
Now there's a new column, The Secret Actress, talking about working in the LA scene.
Unlike last time, they've dropped a rather useful piece of information. That it's being written by "an Oscar and Golden Globe-nominated actor" which means that it's possible to make a correlation before even starting in on the columns themselves.
Except checking a list of all the female actors nominated for an Oscar in any category with a list of all the female actors nominated for a Golden Glove in any category (film or television) yields a list of over a hundred people:
Helena Bonham Carter
Lesley Ann Warren
Mary Tyler Moore
Taraji P. Henson
An awful lot of these are pretty plausible, I suppose. As we read through the columns though, it becomes a process of elimination.
First column: She's worked all over the world and went to a school were the English and Drama departments were the same thing. Early in her career she took her mother to a premiere and ... no nothing especially solid.
Second column: "I was asleep when it was announced I’d been nominated for an Academy Award."
Well now, that's quite the thing isn't it?
Saoirse Ronan was asleep for her Brooklyn nomination. She said in her interview that her Mum told her, whereas in the column there's a whole business with a fire escape which might be the same thing. Plus it's not her first nomination. But can she be considered an LA actress? Also this feels like someone talking about an event from some time ago.
There's also this bombshell:
"As for that ceremony – I don’t remember that much of it. I do remember getting hugely sweaty armpits and Meryl Streep helping me dry them under the hand-blower thing in the ladies room."
Which the Vulture have decided means its Kate Winslet.
Except this also means that Winslet has to be turning out these columns for The Guardian on a weekly basis despite being Kate Winslet.
Column Three: Nothing which can specifically be connected to anyone.
At this point I have no idea.
But if we are going to spoil their fun, we have to work from the basis that it's someone who has the time to sit and write these things.