'We'll always bring yer home...'

The Trains 'This is for the folk who joined the train at Manchester Oxford Road. You're on the 18:11 Transpenine express service to Liverpool. We'll be stopping off at Warrington Central, but before then Birchwood. Sorry we're slightly late, but we had a bit of trouble in York. Driver Brian assures me it'll be smooth sailing through to Liverpool so we'll be making the time up. Sorry, but there isn't any refreshment on the train, but we'll be getting you home safely, and that's the main thing.'

'In a few minutes we'll be arriving in Liverpool, into platform nine, right on schedule -- see -- we can do it sometimes. We hope you're enjoyed your journey and will be travelling with us again soon. I know that some of you have even further to go now, so safe journey home.'

[These are the actual announcements of our fantastically chilled guard on the train home from Manchester tonight. I imagined him sitting at the back there with his feet up in his slippers with a cocktail.]