This is why I don't watch game shows.

TV After the still deeply average Robin Hood on BBC One, I've just sat through the lottery programme and the obviously pre-recorded 1 vs 100 gameshow introduced by the strangely downbeat Dermot O'Leary. After spending five minutes trying to understand the rules (which demonstrated how far on the mark the old Adam & Joe sketch Quizzlestick actually was [youtube]) which seemed to be that the you were kept in the game longer if you knew the right answers. Here is what the official website thinks are the rules, and the wikipedia.

Anyway, the contestant is of a particularly cocky genus, and even more annoyingly a librarian overcompensating in the personality department and make the rest of us qualifieds look bad, and would often spend whole endless, airless minutes of airtime justifying his category selections: 'I was afraid this would happen Dermot, these are two of my weaker subjects...' 'My wife would be laughing at me not picking fashion because when we watch quiz shows at home I can always answer the fashion questions and she laughs at me'. The man's down to his final question -- which he has to guess right to win, assuming the person whose left in the hundred gets it wrong too. Now, I don't know anything about anything, especially sport and given a sport question I'd get it wrong, except maybe if it was athletics. But I do know about film so when faced with his win/lose/nodraw final question...

Who starred as Rico Tubbs in this years film remake of 'Miami Vice'?

(a) Jamie Foxx
(b) Martin Lawrence
(c) Will Smith

I'm going to know the answer (even though I didn't have a chance to see the film) and I simply can't believe that anyone could fish around and not select (a). The coverage for the film was saturated. This man decides it was not one of the big releases this year (so why would they be asking a question about it?). He knows it isn't Will Smith or Jamie Foxx for this reason. Even though he's remember seeing the poster. He's never heard of Martin Lawrence so he has to go with ...

(b) Martin Lawrence

Now again, the argument -- you either know it or you don't know it and if you don't know anything about film, just as I know nothing about nothing particularly sport the tables could have be turned. And the pressure, the lights.

But this guy?



Total Film used to have a banner they would run on reviews which said 'WARNING! THIS FILM CONTAINS MARTIN LAWRENCE!' Obviously this contestant hasn't read Total Film (or doubtless heard of it) and is the nemesis of film advertisers. Martin Lawrence is the joke answer. They've put Martin Lawrence in assuming people will waver over Will Smith because he's the really famous one on the list. Well yes, they were in Bad Boys together but the sequel was three years ago...

Dermot asks him if he's sure, a subliminal look of disbelief in his eyes. He asks him again, pleads really. By this time the man has correctly guessed his way through a few questions and thinks he's invincible. No, the contestant says I'm definitely going for...

(b) Martin Lawrence

There is a reaction shot of the audience. Ten eyes all rolling in unison.

It's the wrong answer. 'Disaster'. Dermot's very sorry. He asks the woman who is left in the hundred if she knows the answer. She smiles and nods smugly.

I'm sorry, and I know what you're going to say Some people don't watch films. Well they should otherwise they'll be on national television saying that MARTIN LAWRENCE would be hired to appear in a film version of Miami Vice.

You see? This is why I don't watch game shows. Or shouldn't drink caffeine.