TV I try to avoid daytime television if I can, not necessarily because of quality issues; Freeview is where old detective dramas go to be exhumed. There are still some crimes, and To Buy or Not to Buy is one of them. On BBC One every morning at eleven, this show, which comes across as a cheaper, evil version of Location, Location, Location and has the audacity to nick its title inspiration from Shakespeare, whisks a couple with small budget to burn on property around three houses, gives them what looks like about five minutes inside and then asks them which they might want to buy. Or not to buy. See what they did there?
It's evil because the couple (which are sometimes a couple of 'friends') look around the house alone, are expected to comment on what they see, and then the two presenters, a revolving door of daytimers, stand in the street or hallway outside, under headphones, listening to their prey's opinions and offer comments on what they're saying in a 'fun' and 'light' but usually 'sarcastic' way. Unlike Kirstie and Phil, the presenters, neither of whom seems to have a clue and only one of whom tends to be in the property business don't actually offer that much advice and the guests almost always judge a property on the furniture and decor rather than the thing they'll possibly be buying, the property itself.
Totally misseable then. But isn't it strange how, when one of these shows was filmed in your hometown it becomes utterly compelling? Today according to the Radio Times, 'a first-time buyer hunts for her perfect pad in Liverpool' and there she was, the 'first-time buyer', a quiet blonde from Knowsley looking like she's wondering what she's let herself in for. The presenters for the day were Kristian Digby, a southerner in a shocking burgundy coloured jacket and Simon O'Brien, minor local celebrity. Simon used to present the Rough Guides travel series with Magenta Divine, but that seems like a very long time ago and here he seemed to be trying to imitate the bald bloke who usually presents To Buy (the one from How Safe Is Your House? in which unsuspecting punters watched in horror as someone burgled their home -- nice).
The first house flashes by. The 'first-time buyer' had asked to see properties around Sefton Park/Princes Park so of course they took her to somewhere that looked to be off Penny Lane. That's close. Debrief outside, silly bit were she has to guess the price of the house and then she's whisked on to the next one. Which looked strangely familiar.
'Hold on, that's our flat.'
The four of them are standing in a garden on Ullet Road next to St Agnes Church and our tower block is right behind Simon's shoulder. It's not every day you almost see your home on the telly. Almost, because we're actually on the other side of the building to one that was in shot. But it's still a bit disconcerting. The property they're visiting is a flat that had been added to the top of an existing property. Disconcerting moment number two is that its the first time I've actually watched a property programme that isn't Grand Designs in which I've actually seen the thing being built.
I've always wondered what it looked like inside and here it was. Very snug. The 'first-time buyer' didn't think much of it though, because despite having a massive living room and kitchen, the first room accessible was the bedroom -- although obviously its only the bedroom because the current occupier has put their bed in it. Of course you always wonder how much local properties cost and in the event its revealed to be £99,000 which seems very expensive for a flat but still very reasonable for the area (but since there was snow in the programme it had to have been filmed earlier in the year so lord knows it that's still current).
The rest of the programme blurred by, as the 'team' drifted around a place on Pall Mall in a building called Pall Mall through a horrific flat that had small round portholes for windows (why?) and the 'first-time buyer' plummed for the house. Except she didn't because she wanted to 'think about it' so no Relocation, Relocation, Relocation-style last minute deal will they/won't they moment. See? The whole programme is wrong, wrong, wrong.
Today, I (almost) got to see my house on television. Why couldn't it have been in a good programme?
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