Review 2006

Jacques asks:
Have you ever found the one true love in your life, but not been in a position to do anything about it, for whatever reason?

Of all of the questions this is probably one of the hardest to answer - not because I don't want to write about it, but because I simply don't know. Which could suggest that actually I haven't. One of the running themes of what's turning out to be a review of my life rather than necessarily one year of it, is that almost everything appears to be filtered through film, and my history with the medium. I make less apologies for this than I should given that it's my primary form of entertainment and hopefully the future source of my income. But what it does offer is a few ideas as to what love means.

Inevitably there's When Harry Met Sally: "Men and women can't be friends because the sex part always gets in the way." Have I ever been friends with a woman that I've found attractive and haven't wanted wanted to sleep with? Yes. But the more revealing question would be whether I've ever been friends with someone I've been in love with. If I answered no, I'd be lying and I think that's possibly the point of the question.

There haven't been any Romeo and Juliet situations but I would say there's been a pattern of falling for someone only to find they have long term boyfriends, successions of boyfriends or (as time goes on) are married. And since I'm not the kind of person who's brave enough to try and steal anyone, especially if they seem happy I've always stood by and watched and enjoyed their company trying to ignore what I'm really feeling. At other times it was because every other bloke she knew had already asked her out and I didn't want to lose her as a friend. Or because I simply already knew what the answer would be, that she didn't think of me that way and that again our friendship meant more to me than trying to answer some question.

I've always had something of an oscillating self esteem. At times I feel as though if I met Kelly Reilly at a party we'd be dating by the end of the night. At other times, most other times, I really worry about whether the Burns family will end at my generation. Usually I'm somewhere in the middle, and the fact that I'd even consider myself Kelly Reilly worthy is all down to one woman, who I'll not name but knows who she is.

We've known each other for a very long time and I met her when I was at a very, very low ebb. But the fact she was around, and me being around her really turned my head and very quickly made me realise my own self worth. I can't say that I'd be even half as happy as I am now if it wasn't for her. We were only ever just friends, and in the end that was enough. Was she my 'one true love'? Time will tell.

I could take the view of Tom (James Fleet) in Four Weddings and Funeral in that touching scene after Simon Callow's gone and Auden's popularity has been reinvigorated. Tom doesn't believe in love at first sight. "The truth is, unlike you (Charlie), I never expected the thunderbolt. I always just hoped that l'd meet some nice, friendly girl, like the look of her, hope the look of me didn't make her physically sick, then pop the question and settle down and be happy."

Is that what usually happens, is all this waiting around doing no good to anyone? Should I just follow this advice? But in the end Tom does feel the thunderbolt. I think the word you need to keep in mind is reciprocation. This suggests that actually true love is a mutual declaration, that both of you need to be in the moment, a collective realization that actually you're going to be spending the rest of your life with the person standing in front of you. If that's the case, it hasn't happened to me yet because I hope that I'd know. Unless it has and I've missed it. Which would be a tragedy.