Review 2013: Not The Doctor: My Fan Fiction.

TV Back in the late 90s when I didn't have this blog as a distraction, I was under the delusion I could write fiction and after reading many, many My So-Called Life continuation scripts decided it was about time I attempted to write my own. Me being me, and not being able to decide on anything, I chose to simply crossover what were all of my favourite tv shows of the time and some more. Looking back through what's here it's about what you'd expect. This isn't the first time I've eluded to this epic on the blog, but it is the first time I'm posting the whole damn thing, with all the fragments and whatnot having been inspired by Dr Brooke Magnanti's defense of the form. Here's an illustrative graphic which should give some indication of what's to come.

star-trek voyager borged

Yes, indeed.

Here's the first episode.



The bridge, and in fact the entire ship is being blown to pieces by an unseen attacker.  Red Alert flashes madly, bathing the scene in blue light, fringing the bodies of valiant ensigns and broken control panels. Captain Katherine Janeway gets up from the deck and looks into the eyes of her first officer and friend Chakotay. He offers her a look of hope.

CHAKOTAY: (whispering) We’ve lost this fight. But we haven’t lost everything.

Janeway looks around the bridge. Her officers are waiting, hoping for their orders. She understands the implications of what she is about to say.

JANEWAY: All hands abandon ship.

Tom Paris bangs his fist against his station, then gets up and joins his ship mates as they head to the turbo-lifts from the bridge.

JANEWAY: Computer, this is the Captain. Set Auto-destruct sequence, authorisation Janeway-Gamma-Alpha, for ten minutes.

COMPUTER VOICE: Does the first officer concur?

CHAKOTAY: Yes. I concur, authorisation Chakotay-beta-delta.

COMPUTER VOICE: Acknowledge. Warning, the ship will self-destruct in ten minutes.

The alarms sound as the Captain and her Number One are the last to enter the turbolifts.


Twenty tiny escape pods separate from the charred hull of Voyager, dwarfed by the ship and the space it is entering. The Delta-Flyer is the last to leave, weaving through the pods before taking point.


There is silence now, except for the alarm of the ship and the computer voice, unaware that it is describing its own death.

COMPUTER VOICE: Warning. The ship will self destruct in one minute, ten seconds.

Through the smoke we notice a movement, and the slumber of someone awakening, then the flash of a silver jumpsuit. Slowly we realise, its Seven of Nine, awakening in the Captain’s chair.

SEVEN: What?

She looks around and is startled by the smoke.

COMPUTER VOICE: Warning. The ship will self destruct in one minute.

Seven is at attention now. She stands, looks around.

SEVEN: Computer, who ordered the self-destruct sequence.

COMPUTER VOICE: Self destruct was ordered by Captain Janeway . . . Warning.

SEVEN: What is the Captain’s current position?

COMPUTER VOICE: Captain Janeway is no longer on board . . . Warning. The ship will self-destruct in fifty seconds.

SEVEN: (slightly concerned) Computer, cancel self-dectruct sequence.

COMPUTER VOICE: Unable to comply, proper access codes have not been presented.

Seven steps forward and taps quickly, but in a controlled manner on the access panel, which beeps furiously.

SEVEN: Computer, cancel self-destruct sequence.

COMPUTER VOICE: Acknowledged. Self-destruct sequence cancelled.

Its only now that Seven looks up and around at the scene, the ship in tatters, all hope lost.


TITLE SEQUENCE: ‘CROSSOVER’ scrolls across the screen in Courier New, filling the space against a black background.



Angela Chase opens her eyes. She’s about fifteen, has short red-died hair (which is just beginning to grow out). She looks around. She's sitting on the floor, with her back to a mock tudor wall. She’s wearing a pair of light jeans, a blue coat and a red scarf. She looks around. In front of her, the populous of London go about their life.

ANGELA: Jordan?

Angela looks somewhat stunned by the situation.

ANGELA (V.O.): In this dream I have about Jordan Catalano, I’m an actress playing Juliet in a production and he is my Romeo. This was not a dream.

Angela gets up and starts to make her way through the crowd. There are a few unsure looks, but most people continue with their work. Angela seems dwarfed by everything. She approaches a street trader.

ANGELA: Excuse me sir?

The street trader seems to ignore her, before serving someone else. Angela is shocked, but she tries again with a woman in a black shawl.

ANGELA: Pardon me but . . .

The woman offers a look of placidity.

ANGELA: Could you please tell me . . .

The woman continues to look through Angela before continuing with her needle point. Angela steps away, and begins looking around on the spot at the street.

ANGELA: Were am I?

An older man with a long white beard sees Angela looking around lost and approaches her.

OLD MAN: Can I help you.

ANGELA: Sir – you speak English.

OLD MAN: And so do you.

ANGELA: Oh please – where am I?

OLD MAN: You are in Florence, my dear. Are you lost?

ANGELA: Yes. Can you help me?

OLD MAN: You must come with me.

ANGELA: Where?

There is a twinkle in the old man’s eyes.

OLD MAN: To my workshop.


Seven is making her way up the side of the bridge.

SEVEN: This is Seven of Nine to any crew members.


SEVEN: Computer, are there any life-signs currently on Voyager?


SEVEN: Computer, what is Voyager’s position?

COMPUTER VOICE: Starship Voyager is currently in the Delta Quadrent.

SEVEN: Vague. Computer explain.

COMPUTER VOICE: Navigational systems have been damaged. Request immediate repair.

SEVEN: Not right now.


Angela and the old man are in a large room filled with painting canvases, sculpture canvases and from the ceiling hangs a winged flying machine. Angela swallows hard.

ANGELA: Oh god.

OLD MAN: You like it?

Angela turns around, for sitting in the corner sits the Mona Lisa.

ANGELA: Leonardo da Vinci?

LEONARDO: Leonardo will surfice.

ANGELA: But this is impossible.

LEONARDO: Look at my flying machine, my dear. Anything is possible.

Angela is astonished by what she sees.


Seven has an access panel open near the tactical station. She completes her task and looks up.

SEVEN: Internal sensors are back on-line. Please check Voyager for any other life signs.

COMPUTER VOICE: One life-sign.

Seven doesn’t move.

SEVEN: What is the nature of the intruder?

COMPUTER VOICE: A humanoid female.

SEVEN: Computer, erect a level one forcefield around this station.

The flash of a forefield shimmers around Seven.

SEVEN: Computer, site to site transport – the intruder to the bridge in the command centre.

COMPUTER VOICE: Acknowledged.

An instant later, the shimmer of the transporter reveals a startled looking girl standing just in front of the navigation control station. She’s startled, looks around before seeing Seven. She raises her hands in the universal sign of greeting. She sets forward

GIRL: Lietenant Ezri Dax of Deep Space Nine.

Ezri is startled when she realises what she is addressing. She draws her phaser.


She fires.




The phaser blast is absorbed harmlessly by Seven’s force-field. Ezri is surprised but continues to point her phaser .

EZRI: How did you get on board this ship?

SEVEN: Please, Lieutenant, put you phaser away. You will not be harmed.

EZRI: That doesn’t answer my question.

SEVEN: I have been a member of this ship’s crew for one year. I could ask how you found your way to the ship.

EZRI: I don’t know – I’m asking the question. What kind of ship would have a Borg as a crew-member?

SEVEN: This is Starship Voyager.

EZRI: Figures.


Angela is drinking some kind of soup as Leonardo draws her.

LEONARDO: Well, you tell an imaginative story.

ANGELA: I’m not telling a you story.

Leonardo laughs.

LEONARDO: Of course you aren’t, my lady. We visionaries only speak of truths yet to come.

ANGELA: Do you know how I got here?

LEONARDO: Well, I am somewhat out of my depth. Perhaps my assistant Katarina could help you. She should be back soon. She had to rush out.


Ezri is now standing behind the science station, Seven is still behind tactical. Both are expediting repairs.

EZRI: It looks like the crew left in a hurry. All of the escape pods have gone. Any luck with the navigational sensors?

SEVEN: Negative. They have been deliberately sabotaged.

EZRI: Why were you left behind?

SEVEN: I do not know. I awoke in the captain’s chair a minute before the ship was due to self destruct. My first memory before that was entering my regenerative cycle.

EZRI: If the reports of what the crew have been through are at all true, then I’d say that Captain Janeway would not abandon ship and initiate a self-destruct without a very good reason. By the way, how did you deactivate it?

SEVEN: I’ve felt it is important to know the access codes of the senior staff as a precaution.

EZRI: Which of course doesn’t explain how I got here.

SEVEN: What was your last memory?

EZRI: Same as you. I was napping in my quarters on board my ship . . . err . . . Seven . . . there's a dampening field around Holodeck Two.

SEVEN: Deactivating.

EZRI: Useful having those access codes.

SEVEN: Deactivation complete.

EZRI: O.K. One life sign detected.

SEVEN: Go and investigate, I will continue with the repairs.

EZRI: Alone?

SEVEN: You seem quite able with your phaser.

Ezri rolls her eye.

EZRI: Understood.


Angela is sitting on a high chair, her chin resting on her knees, her hands through her hair.

ANGELA (V.O.): I was used to Brian stealing his sneaky photographs of me. But it was a change to find someone taking their time.

Leonardo Da Vinci is sketching away in charcoal on paper.

ANGELA (V.O.): Whether I had travelled in time, or I was dreaming or I was mad, I didn’t care. I could have stayed there forever.

LEONARDO: You are a great model. Now she . . .

He jestures towards the Mona Lisa . . .

LEONARDO: . . . wouldn’t stop fidgeting. But you – well I’m inspired for my next work.

Angela smiles.

LEONARDO: Those futuristic clothes of yours should confuse your art teacher eh?

Angela laughes out loud.

LEONARDO: Stay still my dear. I wouldn’t like to accidentally make your nose too long.

There is a knock at the street door. Leonardo gets up.

LEONARDO: That should be Katarina now.

Angela, not wanting to move, simply looks in the direction of the door.

Leonardo opens the door to reveal Ezri, in her Starfleet uniform.

LEONARDO: Hello. Can I help you?

EZRI: I hope so, I believe you have found a friend of mine.

LEONARDO: Angelina. Yes, she has been kind enough to model for me. (he turns to Angela) It seems, my dear, we must part company.

Angela gets up and moves towards the door.

ANGELA: Hello?

EZRI: Not what I was expecting. Erm . . . we have to go.

ANGELA: We do? Who are you?

EZRI: I hate to say this but . . . computer end programme.

The Workshop and Leonardo disappear to be replaced by the bare walls of the holodeck. Angela looks around.

ANGELA: What did you just do? Where’s Leonardo?

EZRI: If you don’t know, I think I may have some explaining to do.

Angela nods vigorously.


The corridor is like the rest of the ship, a shambles of open access panels and broken conduits. Angela is still startled.

ANGELA: What’s going on?


Seven is working at an access panel on the edge of engineering. She closes it and stands, leaning at an access terminal, her hand against its top edge.

SEVEN: Computer, re-route navigational sensors to this panel.

COMPUTER VOICE: Negative. Navigation sensors are off-line.

SEVEN: It seems Lieutenant Torres is as good a saboteur as she is an engineer.


Angela and Ezri are slowly making their way through the corridor, pushing debress away from left to right.

Angela (V.O.): Ezri was very determined. Like Sharon was with Kyle.

Ezri: Sorry your first starship is in such a mess.

Angela: That’s alright. It’s a change of scene.

Ezri smiles at her.

Ezri: Where did you come from?

Angela: See I was in a car, with this guy, on our way – somewhere – and I was tired, so I fell asleep – and woke up in that, what did you call it, holodeck?

Ezri nods.

Angela: Hol-o-deck.

Ezri: Like myself and Seven.

Angela: The other lady?

Ezri: Yes. Speaking of which, she hasn’t called in lately.

Ezri’s comm badge beeps.

SEVEN: Seven to Ezri.

EZRI: (just to Angela) Spoke too soon. (she taps her comm badge). Ezri here.

SEVEN: I have just detected a temporal disturbance in Cargo Bay Two, on your level.

EZRI: We’re on our way.


Its dark in the cargo bay, except for the lights of the odd access panel which bounces off containers and conduits. A figure is picking her way through the shadows. The doors to the bay open and what light is in the corridor floods in as Ezri and Angela strole in.

EZRI: Hello? We mean you now harm.

Ezri looks around and spots a movement in the shadows. They quietly edge forward around the containers, their footsteps joined by another set coming towards them.

EZRI (whispering to Angela): Be careful.

They move ever closer. Then suddenly a flash-light shift on brightly into their faces and a badge is thrust before their eyes.

SURPRISER: Stay were you are! Agent Dana Scully, FBI!

... which is about as far as I got with episode one.

You pretty much have some idea of the set-up, characters from all of these fictional realities gathering on Voyager.

The next scene would have revealed everyone else hiding in a shuttlecraft and they would have eventually discovered that Janeway abandoned ship because she couldn't communicate with the Borg.  In my notes it says "The group decide to confront the Cube which attacked." which sounds exciting but I've no idea in what way.  I also can't remember why I abandoned writing the first episode other than not really being able to get my head around how this bunch would "confront the Cube with attacked" especially since the next bit says, "In the dying moments of victory, as the Voyager crew return to their ship, a transporter beam appeared and pulls our friends away . . ."  If you like, younger version of me.

Anyway, years later I prepared a version of episode two for sending to someone which was eventually bunged up on the free hosting space at BT which was my ISP, which included this helpful list of dramatis personae which notes where in their internal chronology of their own shows the various characters were yanked from which rather reveals the kind of bonkers, impossible to write challenging endeavour I had in mind.
Quick main character FAQ:

Name > Series >Chronology
Buffy Summers > Buffy: The Vampire Slayer > Between Seasons Three and Four

Monica Geller > Friends > After Season Four

Joey Potter > Dawson's Creek > Between Seasons Two and Three

Angela Chase > My So-called Life > Post episode Nineteen

Maggie O'Connell > Northern Exposure > Between Seasons Five and Six

Sam Beckett > Quantum Leap > Late on in Season Five

Dana Scully > The X-Files > Between Seasons Two and Three

Ezri Dax > Star Trek: Deep Space Nine > After Season Seven

Seven of Nine > Star Trek: Voyager > After Season Five

Right then, onward to episode two.

dawson's creek. really.



The group are striding along main street. They are attracting many more nervous glances from passers-by.

MONICA: Look at this place. It looks the kind of guy my mom would want me to marry.

MAGGIE: I feel right at home.

JOEY: I am home.

BUFFY: And home is?

JOEY: Capeside.

Across the street, a girl with short blonde hair and cardigan carries bags full of clothes. She's looking in a window at a dress.

JOEY: Jen.

EZRI: Who?

JOEY: A friend. I think. She might be able to help us. Wait here everyone. And please, try to blend in.

The group try to look inconspicuous, failing miserably. Joey roles her eyes as she crosses the road, dodging cars. Jen turns from the window and stops dead on seeing Joey.

JEN: Joey? Where've you been?

JOEY: That - is a long story.

JEN: After the fire . . . we didn't know . . . we thought you’d gone Richard Kimble.

JOEY: There were some things . . . (out of the corner of her eye she spots the ersatz Scooby Gang leaning against the wall. Seven stands looking on impassively. Angela has her diary padd out.) How is everyone? Have you seen Dawson?

Jen gives her a black look, then raises her bags up.

JEN: Shopping. After Abby . . . Jack's been . . . well you know how Jack can be . . . now Gramps has the two of us to fuss over . . . (sardonically) which of course she's hating . . . he's very . . . domestic.

JOEY: (seriously) I didn't hear Dawson anywhere in that. Is something wrong? I'm worried about him.

JEN: Who?

JOEY: It's not funny. I know after what happened with my dad, and what I said - and Dawson has no reason ever to talk to me again . . .

JEN: Joey Potter - do you have a new boyfriend?

JOEY: (looking Jen straight in the eye) You don't know do you?

JEN: (embarrassed) Know what? Look, I've got to go. Gramps'll be expecting me home. I hope you find your friend.

Jen walks on past her heading with speed up the street. Joey turns after her stunned. She stands watching her friend stride up the street. Monica approaches and puts her hand on her shoulder.

MONICA: What happened?

JOEY: I'm not home.





Everyone is split between different tables. Some are eating. Some drink coffee. Joey seems to take no time to work through her mug. Angela sits opposite, boggled.

ANGELA (V.O.): The thing about watching someone drinking coffee is that you know that with each sip they're going to be more and more awake and that they're are going to become increasingly tiring.

JOEY: I'll just finish this and we'll carry on looking. It was just surreal. Jen didn't seem herself - I mean we've started to really connect but she was almost looking through me, as though it was a conversation she didn't want to have. I mean Jen could have been joking. I think she could have been joking. She must have been joking. But she isn’t the type . . .

ANGELA: Who's Dawson?

JOEY: (smiling out the corner of her mouth) I'm Catherine to his Beast. He's Romeo to my Juliet. We've this connection in this wordless thing, like were always together even when we're apart. We can't think of other people 'cause we're thinking of each other. Do you see what I mean?

ANGELA: I'm beginning to.

JOEY: But at the same time he's intensely infuriating for all those reasons.

ANGELA (V.O.): It was like she was talking about Brian. Or Jordan. I wasn't sure.

JOEY: I'm empty. Is everyone ready to go?

Joey looks around. Everyone else is in different states of consumption. They look at her for a moment, then continue eating. She glances out the window across the street to the video store.

JOEY: I've an idea. Wanna come?

Angela shrugs.


A young man with short cropped hair has his feet up on the counter watching a movie on a portable television. It's a scene from 'The Big Picture'. Kevin Bacon is sitting at a bar as John Cleese (playing a barman) is cleaning glasses. 'It's a Wonderful Life' plays on the bar's TV. The barman reaches up and gives the TV a bang. The black and white version gives way to a colourised version. Pacey offers a giggle as Joey and Angela enter. Pacey pauses the video.

PACEY: Joey Potter. Now there is a face I haven't seen for too long. Bessie hasn't left me alone for days looking for you.

JOEY: So I've heard.

PACEY: And who's you friend?

Angela is obviously slightly taken with Mr. Witter. She pushes her hair back behind her ears with her hand. Joey scowls at Pacey.

ANGELA: Angela. Chase.

PACEY: Well, Angela. Chase. Pleased to me you.

JOEY: Andie hasn't been away that long.

PACEY: McFee? Yeah. Her brother said the treatments going well.

Joey is exasperated.

JOEY: What is it with everyone today?

ANGELA: Must be the heat. Or something.

JOEY: (insistently) Pacey. Where's Dawson?


JOEY: (incensed) Dawson Leery! YOUR BEST FRIEND? What the hell is going on here?

PACEY: Joey. Calm down. I don't know anyone called Dawson Leery. You're my best friend. Although you haven't been around much lately what with the Jack McFee thing. But I'm not holding that against you.

JOEY grabs the front of the desk and cranes her head forward.

JOEY: Dawson. Are you in here?

PACEY: Joey. I don't know what to say to you. There's no one called Dawson working here. It's just me doing the Randall walk.

ANGELA: Joey, maybe we should go . . .

JOEY: Alright. Look Pacey, I don't what kind of twisted game you’re working against me, but when you've come to your senses . . . well . . .

Pacey shrugs his shoulders at her. Joey and Angela head for the door.

PACEY: I'll see you later Angela.

The girls leave. Pacey picks up the phone and dials.

PACEY: (seriously) Jack. It's Pacey. She's home.


There are barriers, a large crowd. Police cars flash their lights and cops stand around drinking coffee. Through the crowd push two figures. One has greying hair and a moustache. He wears a black waist coat over a white pullover. He turns to his partner, a slight man with blonde hair and a brown suite.

GREYING MAN: (Scottish accent) Ock - lad. I'm getting tired of this.

BLONDE MAN: I know what you mean. Before today, I'd only heard about real murder from my Dad. How many murders have we seen today?

GREYING MAN: I've lost count.

They reach their goal beyond the barrier, a human figure covered by a blanket. The blonde man crouches down and pulls back the cover. He looks away really quickly.

BLONDE MAN: We have another one.

GREYING MAN: I think this might be the girl Detective Munch is looking for. She's got pink hair.

The blonde man has frozen to the spot.

GREYING MAN: Niles, I think you can put that cover back.

NILES: What Scotty - oh . . .

Niles Crane sheepishly replaces the cover, reaches into his pocket and pulls out a cell phone.


Joey stands in the centre of the group who are outside the diner.

JOEY: Now I am worried.

SEVEN: Something has obviously occurred here which has effected the natural flow of events. Your friend Dawson has disappeared from the collective memory of everyone you would have been in contact with.

JOEY: But . . .

EZRI: I agree with Seven. For once.

MAGGIE: But even if that is the case, what the hell are we doing here. I'm used to seeing things and I thought all this was some kind of dream quest.

BUFFY: And now?

MAGGIE: I'm a bit worried too. Pity Fleishman isn't here - at least I could blame him . . .

JOEY: We have to find him.

MAGGIE: Fleishman. That's sweet but . . .

JOEY: Dawson.

MAGGIE: What??!  Seven just said...

JOEY: I have to find out why Dawson isn't in Capeside. It doesn't make sense.

EZRI: It could be some kind of temporal disturbance.

JOEY: A what?

EZRI: Some kind of trip in the flow of time. It could be linked to when we all appeared on Voyager.

BUFFY: So Dawson might be alive? He just trapped out of Capeside?

SCULLY: I think you know what I'm bound to say.

SEVEN: I agree this has no scientific explanation.

Scully gapes at the Borg, astonished.

SEVEN: But we should not rule out magic.

SCULLY rolls her eyes.

EZRI: Perhaps.

BUFFY: Can you think of how that might have happened?

JOEY: His Mom and Dad could have left before he was born, so he wouldn't have met everyone.

SCULLY: Did anything of that nature occur?

JOEY: (sighing) I don't know. I can't remember.

SCULLY: Sounds like a lead. Do you have a photo?

JOEY: It's a bit old but . . .

Joey pulls out her wallet. And opens it. There is a blank space were it would be.

JOEY: It's gone.

SEVEN: Curious.

Joey puts her wallet away.

JOEY: In that case I need some paper and a pencil.

Buffy starts rummaging through her bag, the sound of wood against wood resonates.

BUFFY: Hold on.

The Slayer pulls a ring pad and some pencils. And passes them to Joey. Everyone looks at her. She blushes.

BUFFY: Strategy meetings.

Joey opens on a fresh page and starts sketching.


We next see picture of Dawson appearing from a photocopier over and over.


 Then, Joey passing them amongst the group.

ANGELA: You can draw.

JOEY: It's a bit rough.

SCULLY: It'll do.

SEVEN: I suggest that we separate, it will help us cover more ground.

BUFFY: How far afield are we going? All 51 states? Hawaii?

JOEY: I'll keep looking through Capeside, maybe someone remembers something.

SCULLY: I'm going to see if I can contact the bureau. There is a good chance they might have something about your friend on file.

EZRI: I'll see if I can tap into the . . . Internet is it?

SAM: Internet.

EZRI: There might be something there.

MAGGIE: Sounds like a plan.

MONICA: But how do we get in touch if we find anything?

SEVEN: We will meet back here in one day. If we have found Mr. Leery, the solution will become evident.


The picture of Dawson has begun to pass through a fax machine. Dana Scully is dialling on her mobile phone.

SCULLY: Mulder?

FEMALE VOICE: I'm sorry, you must have a wrong number.

SCULLY: Oh sorry.

Hangs up.

SCULLY: (to Sam) Wrong number.

Sam nods and smiles. Scully tries again.

SCULLY: Mulder?

SAME FEMALE VOICE: There isn't anyone here by that name. Now do you mind? My French fries are burning.

Scully hangs up again.

SAM: Isn't there?

SCULLY: No. I'm dialling the right number . . . wait.

Scully dials again.

SCULLY: This is Agent Dana Scully.


A girl sits at a computer talking through a headset.

GIRL: Of course it is.

She puts her thumb over the mike.

GIRL: Jerry we've got another one.

A tall man in a suite approaches.

GIRL: I'm afraid we'll have to terminate this call.


Scully looks at her phone indignantly.

SCULLY: She hung up.

SAM: Where has your fax gone?

SCULLY: I'm beginning to wonder.


The girl is getting annoyed.

GIRL: I've already told you ma’am, leave this line clear.

She glances at the screen.



Scully is on hold. Sam is leaning against a counter.

SCULLY: This should do it.

GIRLS VOICE ON PHONE: How did you get these security codes, ma’am.

Scully is indignant.

SCULLY: I am Agent Dana Scully.

GIRL: So you keep stating. Please hold position and wait for assistance.

SCULLY: (gratefully) Thank you.


Jerry, a man who looks younger than his suit, is standing over the switchboard officer's terminal, peering at the screen.

JERRY: Oh we've got a live one.

GIRL: She shouldn't have those codes.

JERRY: I'll inform local law enforcement. We'll get them to bring her in. And it had been such a good day . . .


Scully and Sam are waiting on the steps. They smile as two police cars pull up. From one jumps Pacey's brother. From the other, his father, and some other officers. Scully pulls out her badge.

SCULLY: Agent Dana Scully. This is my associate Alia . . .

SAM: Just Alia.

JOHN WITTER: Yes. If you'd like to come with us.

SCULLY: I'm just trying to contact a colleague, Agent Fox Mulder.

JOHN WITTER: He's waiting for you at the station.

SAM: (to thin air) Something's wrong, Al.

Scully begins to back away, but an officer has already thrown some handcuffs on her. Sam turns to run, but is caught by Doug Witter who also throws on some handcuffs. Scully and Sam look at each other in shock. In the distance, Maggie looks on in astonishment, before disappearing through the crowd which is gathering.




Joey is striding towards the house, Angela and Buffy, trying to keep up the pace behind. Joey stops at the side of the house and looks up. Angela and Buffy stop not far away.

JOEY: No ladder.

BUFFY: Let's try the door.

They step onto the porch, and stop at the door. Joey sighs preparing herself, before knocking. As she does so, the door swings open. She puts her head around the door.

JOEY: Hello.

ANGELA: I hate those.

JOEY: We'd better go in I suppose.

BUFFY: Sounds like a plan to me.

ANGELA: We can't.

JOEY: I've been here a hundred times.

BUFFY: So have I.

ANGELA: Whatever.

JOEY: That's becoming the word for the day.

They step in, they are greeted by - nothing substantially different. Its furnished different to Dawson's house, but it still seems normal. Maybe a little bit more feminine.

ANGELA (V.O.): It reminded me of Sharon's house. Only with less doilies.

ANGELA: We should go.

JOEY: Dawson?

BUFFY: Dawson lives here?

JOEY: I figured it was worth a try.

From behind a woman's voice asks:

VOICE: Can I help you girls with anything?

They jump. They turn.

JOEY: Tamara?

The woman steps forward. She's tall and blonde in a blue summer dress, somehow let down my yes rubber gloves.

TAMARA: Miss Jacobs, to you.

BUFFY: Prickly.

JOEY: I thought you'd left Capeside.

TAMARA: I think we both know that would be wishful thinking on your part. Now would you like to tell me why you barged into my house. This may be Capeside but some of us would like some privacy once in a while.

JOEY: I'm sorry Miss Jacobs . . . I was looking for a friend.

TAMARA: Well you seem to have two new ones with you. Hello.

BUFFY: (slightly on her guard) Hey. I like you picket fence.

TAMARA raises an eyebrow.

ANGELA: We are sorry we barged in . . .

JOEY: (interrupting) I was looking for a friend who lives here.

TAMARA: You want to make friends now? After all that happened. I'm sorry Miss Potter, but no. You've made your feelings about me quite clear. Now if you would like to leave, I will see you in class on Monday.

They leave and step onto the porch. Joey turns to say something, but the door is in her face.


Ezri looks around and opens her tricorder. It starts scanning loudly, attracting some attention. Monica turns to the most vehement eavesdropper.

MONICA: It's a toy. You want to try it?

The eavesdropper is unimpressed and carries on surfing.

SEVEN: Anything?

EZRI: Nothing yet. Oh no.


EZRI: The tricorder's too advanced, I can't get it to uplink. We'll have to try the conventional approach.

She closes the tricorder and grabs the mouse. A few clicks and she has moved away from the 'Welcome to Capeside' screen and finds a search engine. She types the name Dawson Leery. The browser goes blank. They wait a moment. They wait another moment.

SEVEN: Slow.

Monica roles her eyes.

MONICA: You've no idea.

The screen changes to offer a list of search results. Line after line offers a name or variations of 'Roxanne Dawson'. And a figure.

EZRI: Ten thousand hits?

SEVEN: We are going to be here for some time.


Joey is rowing hard on the awes as Buffy and Angela look about taking in the view.

ANGELA (V.O.): I'd found the difference between Joey and me. Landscape.

BUFFY: Why was she so hostile?

JOEY: I don't know. We've never had a problem before.

BUFFY: She had like volcano rage.

JOEY: (sighing) I know. Alright. Here it is. About six months ago, Pacey and her and this fling.

ANGELA: Pacey and her?

BUFFY: And Pacey is?

ANGELA smiles enigmatically.

JOEY: If you like that kind of thing. Anyway they had this affair thing. I only found out weeks later. Tamara ended up leaving town over it.

ANGELA: But she didn't.

JOEY: Oh she came back a few months later to sell some real estate. Tried to seduce Mr. Leery. Almost broke up Pacey and Andie.

BUFFY: Andie is?

ANGELA: The way Pacey was looking at me didn't make me think he was gay.

JOEY: Andie's a girl. Short for Andrea I think.

BUFFY: I'm lost. Can I have a road map of all this?

JOEY: There is definitely something else going on here.


Ezri, Seven and Monica are sitting around a table drinking coffee.

SEVEN: It is an impossibility. And yet . . .

EZRI: There she was.

MONICA: I've got a headache.

EZRI: The Web says she is an actress called Roxanne Dawson, sometimes Roxanne Biggs Dawson yet you know her as . . .

SEVEN: B'Elanna Torres, Voyager's engineer.

MONICA: I think this all ties together.

EZRI: Y'do.

MONICA: Not really.

A waiter approaches and refills their cups.

WAITER: Can I just say - I really love your costumes.

EZRI: (As though this isn't the first time complement has been offered) Thanks.

The waiter flits away. Ezri takes a sip of the coffee.

EZRI: I miss Raktajino. (sighing) Let's go through our list.

Seven nods.

EZRI: Holodeck.

SEVEN: Too sophisticated. That would suggest that only one of us is real.

EZRI: Dream?

SEVEN: Then Joey would have to be the dreamer meaning that none of us would be in existence now, only Buffy and Angela.

MONICA: Right!

EZRI: Time-travel?

SEVEN: That would preclude that Commander Torres had a doppleganger who lived in the late 20th Century who played her in a television programme about her life. And besides as your tricorder readings show, there is no evidence of a Eugenics War.

EZRI: Q Test.

SEVEN: Who amongst us would Q want to test.

EZRI: I'm a Starfleet officer . . . (pauses) . . . I see what you mean.

SEVEN: There can only be one other possibility. We have slipped into an alternate reality.

MONICA: Excuse me, but if that's the case why can't Joey find Dawson?

EZRI: This isn't her reality either. There is 'Infinite Diversity in Infinite Combinations'

Seven glares at her. Ezri smiles, slightly embarassed.

EZRI: I once dated a Vulcan.

Seven raises a single eyebrow.

SEVEN: Indeed.

MONICA: But why . . .

EZRI: A Vulcan?

Before Monica can ask further, Maggie burst through the door. She's out of breath.

MAGGIE: There you are. I've been looking all over.

SEVEN: We were not supposed to meet until tomorrow.

MAGGIE: We've got a problem.


Agent Dana Scully sits patiently behind a desk. She been un-cuffed now and has her hands on the table in front of her. She glances to the corner of the room to a TV and video. She looks to the side towards a giant mirror, wondering who is watching from behind.

The door to the room opens and a slight man with short dark hair in a white coat steps in carrying a filebox and a cup of coffee. He places the coffee on the table. And sits down, opens the box, pulls out some paper and satrts glancing through the case notes.

DOCTOR: Hello. And you are Agent Dana Scully.

Through the open door, two men in regulation suits step past and glance in slightly.

FBI MAN #1: God. She even looks like her.

Realising his mistake, the doctor gets up and closes the door.

DOCTOR: Sorry about that.

SCULLY: What am I doing here? Why am I in this room?

DOCTOR: Well, Agent Scully when you tried to access FBI code clearance, you caused quite a stink. We have a hundred agents on our books, but none called Scully.

SCULLY: Could I speak to Deputy Director Skinner please.

DOCTOR: All in good time.

SCULLY: Time is vital. National security is at stake.

DOCTOR: Does it have something to do with this picture.

The doctor pulls out the picture Joey drew of Dawson.

SCULLY: Something.

DOCTOR: His name is Dawson Leary. He is a sixteen-year-old boy who lives with his mother in Los Angeles and works as a projectionist in a local movie theatre.

SCULLY: You found him?

DOCTOR: Yes. Now would you like to tell me why you were looking for him?

SCULLY: I am not at liberty to say.

DOCTOR: Would that have something to do with a (waves his hands in the air) conspiracy.

SCULLY: You've read my files.

DOCTOR: Something like that. Agent Scully. I think it's about time I offered you a reality check.

The Doctor gets up and steps over to the television. He rubs his palms together . . .

DOCTOR: How do these things work . .

. . . turns on the TV. He takes a video from the file box and pops it in. In the silence that ensues, all that can be heard is the wirring of the tape in the machine, before the theme from The X-Files blurts out.

DOCTOR: Sorry.

He turns the volume down. On screen the title sequence for the television show, The X-Files ensues. First we see fresh faced David Duchovny, apparently playing Agent Fox Mulder. Scully is slightly sceptical. Then she sees her badge and the name Gillian Anderson. She is slightly surprised but does not seem duly unhinged.

SCULLY: It's an interesting fabrication.

DOCTOR: Keep watching.

The titles finish on the oft quoted 'The Truth Is Out There', before segueing into the first scene.

SCULLY: This was my first meeting before I joined The X-Files.

DOCTOR: I'm starting you on something easy to understand. That was the Pilot episode.

SCULLY: That's how I looked six years ago. I didn't know that office was equipped with surveillance cameras.

DOCTOR: Let's stop it there.

He clicks the button and stops the tape. He sits down.

DOCTOR: Do you know the name Gillian Anderson?


DOCTOR: Ah? Now tell me were.

SCULLY: It was on the screen during that elaborate stunt you just showed me.

DOCTOR: That was no stunt. That was a television show.

SCULLY: It was on television.

The doctor looks at the mirror. An speaker clicks open.

VOICE: Tell her.

DOCTOR: Here is what I think. You have something missing in your life. Something intangible. Perhaps you experienced some kind of great loss. Whatever the reason, your . . . ideas led you to undertake some kind of surgery to make you look like Agent Dana Scully. You began to live your life like hers. Maybe you even go on investigations. I don't know. But it has led you eventually to try and contact your superiors. Bottom line. You are not who you think you are.

Scully is shocked by the statement, goes to say something, but stops, as though she is realising - he might be telling the truth.




ANGELA: Err . . . when he was a kid, Brian Krakow used to read comic books. Actually I think he still does. But anyway he used to read one called 'What if . . .' or something. I think he said it was how they'd take old stories and they'd change it so that the super heroes would lose or do something different. Or something different happened to them. What if that's what's happening here?

BUFFY: I think that actually happened to me once. It would explain a lot.

JOEY: So that means that this isn't my world. This is were another Joey lives. My temper can be pretty fiery at times. The Joey who lives here must have said some things she didn't necessarily agree with.

BUFFY: So where does all this get us?

The boat has edged close to the pier outside the Potter house. Standing there, looking not very happy is Jack Macfee.

JOEY: I think I know.

The boat docks. Jack puts out his hand to Joey and pulls her onto the bayou. Before she can do little else, he reaches forward and kisses her. Forgetting herself and everything she knows, Joey returns the kiss.


Two men in black stand watching through the one way mirror. In the room, Sam is looking increasingly worried. Another man enters. He bald, but is equally anonymous.

FBI MAN #1: This one's even livelier.

BALD FBI MAN: Busy day huh.

FBI MAN #2: She keeps talking to herself. Real conversations with thin air. I've got the doctor coming down to take a look.

BALD FBI MAN: I just hope he has more fun with Alia, here.

Sam has got up now. He's waiving his arms around.

SAM: So you can't make any kind of contact.


SAM: Nothing? Let's take a look at the hand set.

Sam appears to be looking at something, but there is nothing there.

SAM: Its blank.


SAM: Well keep trying. I'm kinda running out of options . . .

FBI MAN #1: Someone that hot, that nutty.

FBI man #2 laughs.

BALD FBI MAN: Enough Agents. She may be slightly mad, but she is still under our protection.

FBI MAN #2: Sir.


Ezri and Maggie lean against a lamp post in front of a clothes shop. Out of the shop comes Monica, followed by Seven. Her typical clothing has been replaced by a pair of blue jeans, a white tanktop covered by a leather jacket.

SEVEN: Am I acceptable?

MAGGIE: You'll blend right in.

MONICA: Your turn Ezri.


The kiss doesn't last long. Joey pulls Jack away from her lips like gum off a shoe. Buffy and Angela are understandably shocked.

JOEY: Jack. What?

JACK: Oh Joey. Everyone's been worried sick.

JOEY: You kissed me.

JACK: Well I missed those lips.

JOEY: But . . . your . . . you're gay.

Jack pauses. He looks at Buffy and Angela who are stepping out of the boat now.

JACK: But we decided. We talked about . . .

JOEY: Oh no.

JACK: Is that why you ran. Because of what I said?

JOEY: No . . . what did you say . . .

JACK: Because, y'know we agreed. We'd y'know stay together.

Jack reaches out and grabs Joey's hand and places it on his chest.

JACK: Soul mates.

JOEY: Oh Jack.

ANGELA (V.O.): And I thought my life was complicated.

JOEY: Jack. This isn't what it seems. I'm not who I seem.

JACK: (hurt, angry) Are you making fun of me? That's low. That so low.

JOEY: (consoling) No. No. Not at all. I'm just . . . confused.

JACK: You're confused?

BUFFY: Joey. I don't know completely what's going on here but if we are going to go any further, and god knows . . .

ANGELA: Tell him.

JACK: Tell me what?


The four wait there turn behind an old woman who is being re-united with a bag.

OLD WOMAN: Oh thank you officer. I leave this everywhere.


The old woman is indignant at his attitude and moves off. Maggie, Ezri (now in a teal blue polo neck woollen jumper and combat pants), Seven and Monica approach the counter.

DOUG: Err . . . can I help you.

MAGGIE: You hauled two of our friends in this morning.

DOUG: Let me guess. Agent Dana Scully and the mysterious Alia?

EZRI: We'd like to see them.

DOUG: I'm sorry ladies but the FBI's gottem. I think the bureau must have been keeping an eye on them for a while.

MAGGIE: Where is the field office?

DOUG: Hold on . . .


The four stand. Monica holds a piece of paper.

SEVEN: He was very rude.

MAGGIE: No kidding.

EZRI: I've a feeling if we just turn up there they aren't going to be very forthcoming. They might even try and arrest us.

MONICA: Something tells me this all shouldn't be so complicated. And saving are friends is dragging us off our original plan. Find Dawson.

SEVEN: I have a suspicion that in the course of our search for Dana and Alia, a solution to our other problem will present itself.


Angela, Buffy, Joey and Jack are in various sitting arrangements drinking lemonade. Jack is looking at a fixed position straight ahead.

JACK: I shouldn't believe a word of any of this.

JOEY: But you do.

JACK: Do you?

JOEY: Looking around, at this Capeside. Yes. I'm afraid I do. This isn't my home. This isn't the place I know.

JACK: And all because of this Dawson.

JOEY: To me, this is a nightmare of George Bailey proportions.

JACK: And to me, this is my home.

Everyone looks at him sympathetically.

BUFFY: The lemonade's nice.

JACK: Thanks. It's my mother's recipe. I suppose she's alright in your reality.

JOEY: No. I'm afraid not.

JACK: So you're reality isn't so perfect - after all.

ANGELA: We'll leave alone for a moment.

Buffy and Angela leave the porch. Jack and Joey carry on talking.

BUFFY: Its surreal.

ANGELA: What is?

BUFFY: How well everyone's taking this. We walked from a Starship to this Joey nightmare, and no one seems to have run scared.

ANGELA: Where would we run to?

BUFFY: Good point.

Back on the porch . . .

JACK: They seem like good friends.

JOEY: We've bonded. I only met them two days ago.

JACK: I'm sure.

JOEY: Jack. We'll leave you. We shouldn't have done this - any of this to you.

JACK: It couldn't be helped.

JOEY: It was nice meeting you.

JACK: I hope so.

Joey gets up to go.

JACK: Joey?

Joey turns.

JOEY: Yes Jack.

JACK: I think there's a question you have to ask yourself. If you aren't the Joey from here - where is ours?


Sam stares impassively at the Doctor. The doctor keeps trying to say something but Sam just pulls a listening face which annoys the doctor and makes him lose his train of thought.

SAM: I'm reliably informed that I have seven doctorates, one of which is Psychiatry, so I know what you're going to say about me even before you start prodding me with your questions.

DOCTOR: So what am I gonna say about you?

SAM: That would be telling.

DOCTOR: Were did you get your degrees.

SAM: Here and there.

DOCTOR: Are you mad?

SAM: I'm probably saner than you are, having to deal with people like me.

The doctor sniggers at this.

SAM: Can I ask you a question?

The doctor throws his pen on the table.

SAM: Have you asked yourself why someone would go to the lengths financial and physical to become someone from a television programme.

DOCTOR: You know about Agent Scully?

SAM: I've had some help.

DOCTOR: Your hologram.

SAM: Observation 101. But that doesn't answer my question.

DOCTOR: When some patients enter an obsessive stage they can go to such extreme lengths, yes.

SAM: But why actually physically change form. Fabricate an FBI badge, which your own forensic scientists have proven is genuine enough to fool the Washington Bureau if she put her mind to it.

DOCTOR: To act out her fantasies.

SAM: Have you found evidence of a face lift.

DOCTOR: She refused to be touched.

SAM: I can see why. Have you asked her about her cases?

DOCTOR: That would buy into her psychosis. And besides she would only be able to tell me what she has seen on television.

SAM: Dig deeper. Ask her something only a real FBI officer would know.

DOCTOR: And compromise national security?

SAM: Do you want the truth?

DOCTOR: Always.

SAM: Then ask her.

The doctor gets up and leaves. Sam turns to his side.

SAM: Al?


Monica, Seven, Ezri and Maggie are sitting in the bushes not far away. Ezri is holding onto a map.

EZRI: This is the place.

MONICA: It's pretty anonymous.

MAGGIE: You were expecting a giant rotation sign with FBI on?


Sam is still sitting there. The doctor walks in. He's white as a sheet.

SAM: Well?

DOCTOR: It's her.

Sam shruggs.

DOCTOR: But it makes no reasonable sense. She told me all about investigations which are so secret even the bureau head hasn't been privy to them.

SAM: Tricky situation . . . huh?

DOCTOR: What do we do now?

SAM: I'm afraid that's kinda up to you.


Scully is sitting on the floor of the cell staring at her hands, then the walls, playing with the focus between them. She's never been on this side before and is reasonably unhappy. Suddenly the door the next door cell opens and she hears someone shouting.

SOMEONE: What? Tell me!

The only answer he gets is the closing of the big met door. Scully here's some crying, then . . .

SOMEONE: Is there anyone there? Can anyone hear me?

SCULLY: I hear you.

SOMEONE: Oh thank God. Who are you?

SCULLY: My name's Dana. Who - are - you?

SOMEONE: I'm Dawson. Dawson Leary.

Scully looks at the wall as though she can see through. We do see Dawson, beyond the wall and he's in not fit state at all.




Scully is huddled against the wall, listening to her cell neighbour.

DAWSON: I just can't believe it. I've never done anything like that in my life, I never even contemplated it. But it was too good an opportunity. But I can't believe the FBI would drag me for pirating any film, even The Phantom Menace.

SCULLY: You pirated Star Wars.

DAWSON: I know. But they offered $5000. Wouldn't you take it?

SCULLY: I have to say I wouldn't.

DAWSON: And God, I lost my job. They picked me up between reels, so everyone who was in the foyer of the movie theatre complaining saw me being dragged away.

SCULLY: Sorry.

DAWSON: It's not your fault.

Scully rolls her eyes.


Joey, Buffy and Angela are strolling through a Capeside park.

BUFFY: Keep thinking - where would I go, where would I go.

JOEY: I think we've covered everywhere. There aren't that many places to hide in Capeside.

ANGELA: Where did you go, y'know when your Mom was sick.

JOEY: Oh god, Angela. You did it.

ANGELA: I did.

JOEY: Dawson!


Dawson sits huddled against the wall talking to his cell neighbour.

SCULLY: Do you know someone called Joey Potter?

DAWSON: My Mom mentions her now and then. She lives in Capeside. Mom used to know her Dad, I think.

SCULLY: So you've never met her?

DAWSON: No. Look, I don't mean to be rude, but what aren't you telling me?

SCULLY: It's a bit far fetched.

DAWSON: I'm in an FBI holding cell.

SCULLY: Point taken. You're here, because I faxed the FBI a picture of you. A picture which was drawn by Joey Potter.

DAWSON: Pardon.

SCULLY: Except, as far as I understand it, Joey isn't from around here, she's from somewhere were she's known you all of her life. From what I can ascertain, another reality.

DAWSON: That makes no sense.

SCULLY: I know. Absolutely no foundation to it, except beyond the realms of Quantum physics, and certain types of science fiction. And yet. Here I am.

DAWSON: Oh wait. I know that voice. No, no, no, hold on. Oh shit. You're Dana Scully. From The X-Files. I'm beginning to see what you mean.

SCULLY: I'm sorry - Dawson. We shouldn't have involved you.

DAWSON: No. No. It's alright. If there is anything I can do.

SCULLY: Just keep talking. Maybe we'll stumble upon something.


Ezri, Seven, Maggie and Monica are sitting ready.

MAGGIE: Are you sure this is a good idea?

EZRI: No. But we need to get them out.

SEVEN: Better them be out here than in there.

Monica glances at her watch.

MONICA: People - its time. I always wanted to say that.


A tall guard is reading a paper, as Monica approaches. She's out of breath and a bit dishevilled.


GUARD: How did you get up here?

MONICA: My car. There's been a crash.

GUARD: Wait, I'll call for assistance.

The guard goes back in the hut, Monica stands by. She flicks her hair behind her ears. The guard calls on the hut's phone.

GUARD: Sorry, were did you say your car was?

Seemingly from nowhere, Seven appears with a phaser.

SEVEN: What automobile?

GUARD: What?

Seven stuns him.

MONICA: I have to get me one of those!

Ezri and Maggie appear.

MAGGIE: That was too easy. Where are the rest of the guards?

SEVEN: I believe they will be along shortly, we should make our move.


Sam is looking more than a little worried.

SAM: Al, why do I always seem to end up in some kinda cell, huh?

SCULLY (Through the wall): Alia?

SAM: Dana. Are you OK?

SCULLY: For now. I've got company. Say hello to Dawson.

SAM: Dawson?

DAWSON: (quieter than Scully, one cell but one away) Alia. Nice to meet you.

SAM: The FBI are efficient.

SCULLY: Best in the world.


Ezri, Seven, Maggie and Monica are standing huddled behind a bush looking at the back door, a giant oak construct..

MAGGIE: Now, this is all officially too easy.

MONICA: Shouldn't there be spotlights and dogs and things.

SEVEN: One would also expect our presence to have been detected by surveillance devices.

EZRI: I just can't get over the backdoor. An actual back door. I was joking.

Seven stands up, and starts to walk towards it.

MONICA: (whispering loudly) Seven. What are you doing?

SEVEN: Having found the back door. I am going to use it.


Seven approaches the door, it seems impervious, except for a rather obvious looking handle. She looks up and down and tries the handle to little success.

SEVEN: Ezri, I require your phaser again.

Ezri shrugs and runs up behind Seven. Seven resets the phaser, swiftly reprogramming it. She holds it about an inch from the door and fires. The phaser offers a continuous stream, not unlike a blow torch which proceeds to cut a hole through the door.


SAM: So we have Dawson. Now what?


SCULLY: (through wall) We've been talking about that.


DAWSON: I think I've got to meet Joey. I think we've got to fulfil some kind of fate thing, write a wrong.


SAM: (ironically) That might work. This doesn't sound like your kinda thing, Dana.


SCULLY: My beliefs are being stretched to the limit. But over the years, I've realised that not everything is completely explainable.


The whole Seven has created in the door prangs to the floor. Seven steps through confidently, Ezri is a little more sheepish.

EZRI: No alarms?

SEVEN: Indeed.


Monica and Maggie look up to see Ezri beckon them into the building.


There are a great number of loud noises outside. Alarms flying, footsteps running.

DAWSON: Jailbreak.


Seven is jogging now. The others are jogging behind, trying to keep up.

SEVEN: I hear something.

EZRI: So why are we running towards it?


Scully is at the door trying to see through a crack.

SCULLY: What is going on?


Seven heads up to a door.

SEVEN: It is behind here.

She reaches for the handle.


Sam looks up as the door opens . . .


Seven flings the door open . . .


The door opens to reveal the doctor looking worried.


A security guard swinging around in his chair. He is watching 'Star Trek: Voyager' on a portable TV.


Ezri puts her head in her hands. Seven raises an eyebrow.


Sam is standing now.

DOCTOR: We haven't much time . . .


The doctor is setting free Scully and Dawson.

SAM: Why are you doing this?

DOCTOR: This the first time I've been faced by cases like yours which are actually telling the truth. Procedure would be to lock you up and throw away the key. But hey, why would I want do that? Now come on. The alert will only last a few more minutes.

SAM: Doctor, thank you.

The Doctor smiles and leans forward expecting a kiss. Sam simply smiles back and the three head towards town.

SAM: We've got to get back to Capeside.

SCULLY: That could take a while.

SAM: It can't be more than a few miles away.

SCULLY: From Washington?

DAWSON: Washington? How did we get to Washington so fast.

SCULLY: FBI secret. C'mon.


An tall man in a long brown raincoat is pacing along a ward full of patients, talking into a dictaphone. Pinned to the coat is the badge of the FBI.

FBI MAN: Diane, I have found myself in some strange places in my work for the bureau, the Black Lodge the least of them. But to move from Twin Peaks to an Emergency Room in a few paces make one feel somewhat queasy as to the hammering a human body can take. I do not doubt Dr. Carter's abilities to patch me up physically should the need arise, and Dr. Crane's help in improving my mental state if our predicament takes its toll. But it is at times like this I find myself looking toward the English Bard - 'Though this be madness, there is method in't.'

The FBI man continues walking into the distance as he switches the recorder off.


Seven and Ezri are transfixed with the TV, showing as it does their lives in action. Monica and Maggie are talking to the guard (who looks a lot like Corey Feldman).

GUARD: It's a pleasure to meet you Ms. Geller. I can't wait to see if you marry Chandler.

MONICA: Neither can I.

MAGGIE: What about me? What about the TV show I'm on?

GUARD: Oh Northern Exposure. That was a great show.


GUARD: It got canned.

MAGGIE: (incredulously) Canned? As is cancelled?

GUARD: Well you did run six years. It was just that people didn't like it as much without Flieshman.

MAGGIE: Figures.

MONICA: What happened to all this?

GUARD: Well, there wasn't much call for it. When the FBI's budget is cut every now and then, small outpost like this are the first to go. Now would you like to tell me why you were breaking in?

MAGGIE: We were trying to save our friends. Err, Dana Scully.

GUARD: Cute. For an FBI agent.


GUARD: Don't know the last one. Must be on public access.

ST: V's theme music comes up. Ezri stretches, Seven simply turns.

SEVEN: It is difficult to see one's past displayed in such a manner, especially an incident which is painful.

EZRI: I thought you did alright. You'd make good Starfleet material.

SEVEN: Why would I want to?

Ezri shakes her head.


Joey is hammering away.

JOEY: Tamara Jacobs I know you're in there. Answer the door.

The door swings open.

TAMARA: Joey Potter. You can't just barge . . .

Joey barges past her.

JOEY: What do you keep in all your bedrooms.

TAMARA: I don't see that's any of your . . .

Buffy gives her a steely look.

TAMARA: One's my study, the other's a guest room.

JOEY: Show me.


JOEY: Now!


Tamara is leading the three through the upstairs. She stops at the door which in the show's reality would lead to Dawson's room. Tamara pauses.

JOEY: Open it!

TAMARA: (resignedly) OK. I'm coming in.

The door opens, and there sitting on the bed, is Joey Potter.




A hand reaches down and pulls the guard up (he looks suspiciously like Corey Haim).

SEVEN: I am sorry I stunned you.

HUT GUARD: Is that what that was.

GUARD: You got stunned man. By Seven of Nine.

HUT GUARD: Yeah right.

Seven returns to her group.

GUARD: Well, I hope you find your friends.

EZRI: You aren't going to report us?

GUARD: And who'd believe me?

MONICA: Good point.


Scully, Sam and Dawson are running away. Fast.

DAWSON: We gave the FBI the slip. The FBI!

SCULLY: Well it wasn't that easy. This may not be my reality but I do know a thing or two.

SAM: Its getting close to dawn. We'd better get back to Capeside.

SCULLY: We need transport.

DAWSON: What will $5000 get us?


Our Joey approaches the Joey on the bed, slowly. That Joey is not ours. She is frightened. Panicking. She rocks forward and back. She looks tired and as she looks up we can see years of sadness in her eyes. Our Joey puts out her hand.

JOEY: Don't be afraid, Joey.

THAT JOEY: Call me - call me Jo.

JOEY: Jo. I know this is a bit strange.

JO: Tamara told me. She said. But I didn't really believe. Who are you?

JOEY: I'm you. Are version of you. I'm glad I found you.

JO: What are you doing here?

JOEY: I . . .(she turns slightly to Buffy and Angela who are double taking at the sight of two Joeys) We . . . don't quite know yet. But we met Jack.

JO: Jack?

Jo sits up on the edge of the bed.

JO: You spoke to him, how is he?

JOEY: He's worried about you. Everyone is. You just disappeared.

JO: I didn't know what else to do. It just all - finally - got to be too much.

JOEY: (smiling slightly) So you came here.

JO: I'd never been friends with Ms. Jacobs, but for some reason . . . I knew I'd be safe here. I climbed up the side of the house, through the window . . .

JOEY: . . . and into the wardrobe?

JO: How did you?

JOEY: Know? It's some story.

TAMARA: I'll go make some coffee.


Ezri, Seven, Maggie and Monica are strolling along. They are looking tired, disheartened and annoyed.

MAGGIE: So where are we now?

SEVEN: We are trapped in an alternate reality.

MONICA: Our friends have been locked up by the FBI.

EZRI: And we've no clue were Joey's friend Dawson is.

MONICA: So not looking good.

MAGGIE: Why do I get the feeling we've been running around whilst all around us everything is falling into place.

Behind them, there is the honk of a horn. They all turn to see a station wagon coming towards them, driven by Scully with Sam and Dawson in the front passenger seat.

SEVEN: Because we have.


The Kitchen looks like an Ikea showroom. The five of them are sitting around the table 'Roseanne' style drinking coffee. Joey and Jo are sitting opposite each other.

JO: No, I mean Pacey's been great. He's always been there - but he always seemed distracted (she glances at Tamara) especially lately. Then when Jack arrived, I thought I'd found a soul mate. But he always seemed to be holding something back as well. I found out what. I don't know, its like their's been this empty hole, how does the song go 'Nowhere to run to . . .'

ANGELA: 'Nowhere to hide . . .'

BUFFY: You look tired Jo.

JO: I am tired.

ANGELA (V.O.): The contrast between the two Joey's was so dark. In the grand scheme of the world, Dawson Leery wasn't that important - but in the life of Joey and her friends, he was everything. So many times lately I've wished Brian wasn't interfering, but I wonder now where I'd be without him.

JOEY: I don't know what to say. I do know why you came here. See in my reality, this is the house of Dawson Leery, and although we aren't speaking at the moment - for various reasons - I always knew that if the worst - and you know the worst happens - I could climb through his window and the world would go away.

JO: I'd have liked that.

Buffy puts her hand of Jo's arm.

BUFFY: Then maybe we can bring it to you.


A dawn breaks over a the ridge. The light of the new sun flickers across the leaves of the woodland below. On the edge of the rock a tall man in pseudo-Edwardian dress is has his eyes closed and is letting the ray bath his face and the breeze flit through his short curly hair. Another figure makes light work of the ridge, joining the man at the top. He is slightly taller, more dynamic, seemingly younger. He's wearing a white lab-coat, with the name 'Carter' sewn into it on a patch.

CARTER: Are you alright, Doctor?

He turns towards Carter slightly, smiling at the irony.

THE DOCTOR: I'm fine, Doctor.

He turns back to the sunrise.

THE DOCTOR: Just enjoying the sun.

CARTER: It is beautiful.

THE DOCTOR: In my work it's often difficult to take a pause for a moment. I haven't seen anything like this for hundreds of years.

They stand for a while taking in the view. The Doctor turns again to Carter.

THE DOCTOR: Sorry, I'm forgetting myself. Can I help you?

CARTER: I just came to tell you that Cooper thinks he knows why we're here. Something to do with a Black Lodge.

THE DOCTOR: Of course.

CARTER: Anyway we aren't going to take action yet. I'll let you know. I leave you to enjoy the view.

THE DOCTOR: Thank you.

Carter walks away as the sun rises over The Doctor.


Everyone is huddled in like sardines.

SAM (V.O.): This was something I could understand. The number of times I'd been drifting to the end of a leap, to the moment I'd leave a life and move onto the next. This all felt like that. I looked around at my comrades and felt somewhat paternal or maternal depending upon your point of view, and I was proud of them.

MONICA: (whispering to Ezri) He's cute.

EZRI: Who?

MONICA: Who? Dawson.

EZRI: He's only Sixteen.

MONICA: That's never stopped me before.

EZRI: (a bit surprised) Really.

MONICA: There was this kid. He looked nineteen but he was still a . . .

Scully turns back.

SCULLY: We're nearly at the rendezvous.


The car draws up to the rendezvous. Standing before it are Buffy, Angela and Jo.

JO: Oooh. This is it.


JO: This is going to be a life changing moment isn't it?

The car starts to empty. Everyone seems very happy to be able to move jump out. The last to get out is Dawson, who sees Jo immediately.

DAWSON (to Scully): Who's that?

Scully smiles (that smile!)

SCULLY: That - is Joey . . .

Joey steps forward.

JO: Dawson?


They are transfixed with each other. The start to talk, y'know in the way people do when they first meet, awkward at first, then a laugh. The group step away and give them room, as from behind the shadows our Joey appears.

JOEY (whispering to Scully): Where was he? How did you find him?

SCULLY: He came to us in a way.

JOEY: He looks so similar. But older. A bit older.

SAM: He's had a harder life than he would've in Capeside.

MONICA: They make a cute couple.

JOEY: (knowingly) Yes. We do.

BUFFY: Funny. You seemed to take to meeting your doppelganger better than she did.

JOEY: She hasn't been on a starship.

Scully turns to them.

SCULLY: Dawson?

Dawson turns. Scully throws him the keys to the car. Which Dawson catches.

SCULLY: It's yours remember.

DAWSON: Oh God. The FBI are going to be looking for us.

SCULLY: I've a feeling the doctor will have taken care of that for us, he'll have a few committees busy for a few days but . . .

DAWSON (who has already turned back to Joey): . . . things are going to be OK.

SCULLY: Time to go.

Dawson and Jo are wrapped in each other's conversation. They don't notice the group as they trot back up the main street.

MONICA: So what happens now? Have we done what we came here to do?

SAM: It seems so.

MAGGIE: So we're going home?

EZRI: I don't see how? We were beamed here last time, but I don't see a transporter.

Everyone carries on walking except Buffy. . .

BUFFY: People.

They turn. Buffy is pointing into an open manhole cover. They look into it. Instead of the sewer is the maelstrom of a vortex. Ezri wips out her Tricorder.

EZRI: I'm reading massive neutrino emissions. There is a temporal displacement at the heart.

MAGGIE: In English?

SEVEN: This is our way out.

BUFFY: Let's go.

Buffy steps forward in the whole. She disappears. Ezri follows, Tricorder raised. Then slowly each of them follow, Seven, Sam, Angela, Maggie and Monica. Joey stops for a moment to take a final look . . .

JOEY: There's no place like home.

. . . before stepping into the vortex.


A vortex has opened in the overhang of a tree from which Buffy falls, on her feet and stumbles forward. Ezri is right behind her, then everyone else. Buffy leaps forward and grabs a steak from her backpack, standing ready.

SCULLY: A graveyard?

BUFFY: Sunnydale graveyard.

ANGELA: But that means . . .

BUFFY: Vampires.


As anyone reading will have surmised, the situation the characters have found themselves in has elements of Sliders and Quantum Leap. The characters are slipping between versions of their own realities were the most important thing in the life is broken somehow. They are there to put right what went wrong.

Glancing through it with time, there are some good ideas even if a few of the "characters" come across as a bit generic, but I was going to talk about that later.  I also remember, I think, that there was a reason why the "real" Joey Potter and the other characters haven't recognised Dana Scully and indeed each other in the way that they have in this reality - I was riffing on Dawson's Creek's slightly metafictional approach to pop culture in this episode -- though I can't remember how it was going to play out.  Of course subsequently, Red Dwarf would do a similar thing.

I know also that there's some reason by Sam Beckett isn't letting on that he's a man trapped in a woman's body and the so-called evil leaper to boot.

As you can see from the other cameos, the idea was that a bunch of male characters from other series are trapped in a similar nightmare, and the idea was that these little vignettes would offer hints as to what was happening to our primary characters.

That's the only full episode I wrote. Here are the only fragments of episode three.


The are a lot of anxious faces. Buffy still has a stake drawn. Ezri has her tricorder and phaser handy. Seven is glancing around urgently. The scene is lit by Scully’s flashlight, her gun cocked. Sam is alert. Everyone else is in various stages of stunned-ness.

BUFFY: Welcome to the Hellmouth.

MONICA: The what-mouth?

BUFFY: The mystical centre of my world.

MAGGIE: You seem to know the place well.

BUFFY: When you’re somewhere every night for three years you kinda get to know the place.

SCULLY: At least I get to travel.

BUFFY: Anyone else here got vampire experience?

SEVEN: Species 323. The undead are always difficult to assimilate. Needless to say I am aware of a few of their weaknesses.

SCULLY: My partner’s had some dealings. Completely unsubstantiated of course, but since the laws of physics seem to have been torn up I’m ready.

JOEY: Bram Stoker’s Dracula. The Lost Boys. From Dusk ‘Til Dawn. (gulping) Buffy: The Vampire Slayer.

BUFFY: I thought I was Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

JOEY: Err . . . I’ll explain later.

SAM: Well I’ve met the odd vampire or two. I think. Someone called Count Bathry?

BUFFY: Met his cousin. Layed his cousin.

ANGELA: So what’s going to happen here. I mean are we going to be attacked or something?

BUFFY: More than likely.

MAGGIE: But why hasn’t it happened yet.

BUFFY: What was it Giles said? ‘Slaying is 90% waiting.’

MAGGIE: Great.

SEVEN: Whilst I am sure Species 323 will be involved it cannot be as easy as slaying the horde. There ought to be more to it.

BUFFY: Just keep your eyes peeled.

MONTAGE: The band making their way through the shadows of the graveyard.

ANGELA (V.O.): It was odd how everyone was bonding into a team, like in one of Jordan’s comic books or something.

SAM (V.O.): Al had told be on numerous occasions how women are running some big sisterhood, and I was beginning to see his point. I was feeling a real kinship with everyone.

ANGELA (V.O.): But I was really beginning to miss everyone, Rayanne, Ricki, Sharon even Danielle. I kept wondering what they’d be doing if they were here.

SAM (V.O.): An obvious worry was the absence of Alia’s hologram Zoey. It was odd that she wasn’t around taunting me. That Al was still around reassured me, but I kept giving a second glance in case the worst had happened . . .

BUFFY: Stop a minute. I just saw something.

SCULLY: Ready everyone. Ready.

JOEY: I don’t see anything.

From the shadows steps a figure.

BUFFY: Angel? What are you doing here?

ANGEL: You can’t be here.

BUFFY: I know that. But I thought you were in Los Angeles.

MONICA: The city of Angels. For a vampire . . .

JOEY: . . . he’s lovely.

ANGEL: Its not safe.

Buffy steps forward.

BUFFY: Graveyard. Middle of the night. Yeah not very high on the safe scale . . .

SEVEN: I would advise caution Miss Summers. He may be as unreal as our surroundings.

Buffy steps even closer to Angel.

BUFFY: We’ll see.

She reaches up, places the palm of her hand around his neck and kisses him. The moment is electric. Steps down again, pats him on the chest and steps away.

BUFFY: Oh yeah. He’s real.

From out of the shadows steps a small boy in a hooded coat.

EZRI: Errr . . . Buffy?

Buffy twists around and see’s the boy as he steps forward to join Angel.

BUFFY: Angellll. The chosen onnnne.

ANGEL: I’m aware of that.

He reaches up and taps the boy on the head lovingly.

BUFFY: Oh God.

JOEY: Anyone got a cross?

SCULLY: I’m wearing one.

JOEY: We’re gonna need it.


As they turn to make tracks the other way, a gang of vampires of various genders and races march in their direction. They try for the left. The scene isn’t much different. To the right there seems to be even more of them. The groups stand their backs facing, moving slowly and slowly together as the horde moves closer and closer.

BUFFY: Angel! Why!

ANGEL: Why not?

The horde continue their approach.


The vampires edge ever closer. Scully has started firing her pistol. Ezri is letting off her phaser. There is general fear all around.

SEVEN: Conserve your bullets Agent Scully. Nothing but silver tipped projectiles will slay these Vampires.

JOEY: They worked in ‘From Dusk Til Dawn’.

BUFFY: Yeah, but that was only a movie.

Scully stops firing.

EZRI: My phaser’s set to kill. It's having no effect.

BUFFY: They’re already dead.

EZRI: I know that. But they should be disintegrating. They aren’t disintigrating.

BUFFY: Watch this.

Buffy hurls her stake directly into a vampire. It evaporates in a flash.

MONICA: That was clean.

MAGGIE: That was easy.

She reaches into Buffy’ backpack and pulls out a stake. She stabs another vampire which disappears.

SAM: We might have a chance of winning this.

MONTAGE: Kill after kill from everyone. Some relishing the task more than other. Buffy’s movements are slick and professional. Angela is definitely not enjoying her self. The problem is, the more they kill, the more they keep coming. The defence continues . . .

SCULLY: And I thought The Borg were determined.

Scully stakes one.

BUFFY: Something's not right! I haven’t met this many in my entire career, let alone an evening.

Buffy stakes two in quick succession.

SEVEN: To re-iterate, there will be more to the situation.


MAGGIE: I’d forgotten about him.

JOEY: Is he always so ernest?

BUFFY: Definitely not my Angel.

MONICA: Is he anyone’s.

BUFFY: Where’s the chosen one?

EZRI: Who?

BUFFY: The boy.

SCULLY: He’s not here.

ANGELA (V.O.): At last I could do something.

Angela starts waving her arms around.

ANGELA: Over here.

BUFFY: Grab him.

ANGELA: But he’s just a child.

MAGGIE: I will.

Maggie polishes off the Vampire she fighting shoves her way through the crowd and picks the boy up. She throws him over the shoulders. The boy explodes from the impact. Angel screams:

ANGEL: Noooooooooooooooo!

BUFFY: One down. One to go.

The vampires seem to slow down, their motions becoming weaker.

SCULLY: They’re getting easier to destroy.

BUFFY: (sarcastically) Angel, my love where are you?

Angel appears from nowhere, pouncing on Joey.


JOEY: Knock it off. (calling) Here!

BUFFY: Joey!

JOEY: Stake please.

A stake is suddenly in her left hand. As Angel reaches down to pierce his fangs in her neck, Joey offers him a right hook then plunges the stake into his heart. Angel screams as he and the vampire hoard evaporate to nothingness.

EZRI: Nice move Joey!

BUFFY: (panting) You could have been a slayer.

JOEY: I just think I’ll stick to waitressing.

There is a pause in the air.

ANGELA (V.O.): I’d failed. My moment and I failed. Why do I keep backing down when I need to make an action? Brian needed me and I went with Jordan.

ANGELA: (in tears) I’m sorry.

She runs into some trees. Ezri steps forward.

EZRI: I should …

Joey turns to her.

MAGGIE: No I will.

Maggie runs off behind her.

SEVEN: I suggest we rest for a moment and conserve some energy.

EZRI: Oh god, that’s it.

SEVEN: Ensign.

EZRI: It's personal demons. We are facing each other’s personal demons. You faced being captured and re-assimilated into the Borg. Buffy’s boyfriend went evil.

MONICA And I had to find myself a husband? Why do I suddenly feel so shallow?

SCULLY: Don’t.

EZRI: Unless. Oh this is good. The whole Borg adventure was pretty exciting. Then we move to somewhere perfectly restful. It a was rest. A place to calm down before we set off into something even more terrible. We are being tested it can’t be anything else.

BUFFY: Great. Just what I need. More exams.

SCULLY: But who would be testing us. What would have the power to do all of this – scientifically of course.

EZRI: There have been many species in our reality which have tested human beings. The Metrons, The Excalbians, Nagilum, Q. Seven, I'll ask this again, it is Q isn't it?

SEVEN: That would be consistent with his encounters with the Starship Enterprise.

EZRI: Thank-you!

SAM: I’m sorry now I’m completely lost.

MONICA: This is heavy.


Joey finds Angela sat under a tree in a clearing. Her tears have cleared but she is certainly not happy.

MAGGIE: It wasn’t you fault.

ANGELA: But I failed, Maggie. I let every one down.

MAGGIE: When was the last time you found yourself being attacked by an army of vampires?

ANGELA: But everyone else seemed O.K. with it. Like it happened every day. I panicked.

MAGGIE: It was madness. It is madness. We just found something to let our frustrations out on.

ANGELA: But I am frustrated. I just can’t let it out!

MAGGIE: My boyfriend, Chris? A couple of years ago, he was feeling out of it, like there was something missing. He had to stop work. But as the only DJ in town, he is a lifeline. He couldn’t put his finger on it. Then he realised, he needed some reckless destruction.

ANGELA: In Alaska?

MAGGIE: The tundra can do weird things to a person. So anyway, he built a catapult. Must have been fifty feet tall.

ANGELA: What did he put on it?

MAGGIE: A cow.

ANGELA: A cow?

MAGGIE: Strapped the poor thing to the rope and let it fly. We could here it mooing for miles.

ANGELA: Did it help?

MAGGIE: That night, I went to bed listening to him whispering, ‘ Hey, diddle diddle . . .’

ANGELA: ‘Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle’ (giggling, realising) ‘The cow jumped over the moon.’

MAGGIE: It did that day. See. Your smiling again.

ANGELA: Thanks Maggie. But what am I going to do?

MAGGIE: If Chris were here he’d say exactly what I’m about to say. You’ll find your moment.


There is an odd silence. The group are leaning against grave stones waiting for something to happen. Maggie and Angela rejoin the group. Angela is still smiling.

SCULLY (quietly to Maggie): She’s smiling.

Maggie can think of little to say, so smiles back.

MONICA: So what happens.

BUFFY: I guess we head for the exit.

Some nice stuff in there I guess. I was right about the fiction/reality thing, it seems, since Joey's seen the film of Buffy: The Vampire Slayer but not the television series. My guess is that there was some network related reason to do with both show's being on the WB. Notice too the duelling voiceovers between Angela and Sam. If I was writing this now, I'd eventually having them talking to each other.

This is the only other section I can find. As you can see I was clearly messing about with the chronology of the thing and where all the pieces fit together:


The group have materialised in a giant apartment room which consists of a kitchen, dining room and lounge all rolled into one. Everyone is a bit startled. Monica is still screaming.

JOEY: Err . . . I take it this isn’t ‘sickbay’.

Monica is in tears.

MONICA: No. Its my. Apart. Ment.

The apartment is in complete disarray. Every surface in covered in the remnants of a party that looks like it has gone on for centuries. Banana skins. Coke tins. Fruitopia bottles. Squeezy cheese on the fridge, beer stains all over the floor. A chair is upside down, the TV has a smily face drawn on it. A bra has been stretched between two chairs, obviously to be used a catapult for the tomatoes and eggs which stain the walls. The room is a mess, and Monica is crippled.

ANGELA (V.O.): I’d been to some parties. Like the one when I spoke to Jordan for the first time. Even that hadn’t been in this kind of a mess.

MAGGIE: You live here? You must have struck some kind of a deal with the landlord.

JOEY: Could be a sublet.

MONICA: Oh I need to sit down.

Buffy shakes magazines from a dining chair and places it behind Monica.

BUFFY: Here.

Monica sits. Ezri steps forward, wips out her tricorder and starts scanning.

EZRI: Other than the lack of a starship, I’m not detecting anything unusual. The pollutants in the air would be consistent with the late 1990s.

SEVEN: Except, this cannot be ‘our’ 1990s.

EZRI: You’re right. In 1996, the Eugenic Wars wiped out much of the planet. Half of New York was destroyed in a bomb. Especially this half.

SCULLY: So logically we shouldn’t be here.

SEVEN: But we are.

SAM: We’re moving through space as well as time?

BUFFY: Y’now it could be even more complicated than that. I remember once at home, everyone was experiencing nightmares, the worse things they could think of, it took us an age to sort everything out when it had all gone away. We kept shifting all over Sunnydale. Maybe its something like that.

EZRI: Certainly facing down a Borg ship bent on re-assimilating you would be a nightmare for Seven.

SEVEN: But as I have said, our victory was quite easily sought. Surely if we were just experiencing our own nightmares, it would be deaths of ourselves and our friends. There is obviously something else.

ANGELA (V.O.): As they spoke I realised what the mixwas to our group. There were the protectors. Buffy and Dana, Seven and Ezri. And us, the people they protected. Joey and Maggie understood, I think. So did Monica a little bit. But Alia. I still didn’t understand her. She was one of us, but every now and then she’d spark into a protector.

SAM: This is all feeling shockingly familiar. I’m betting that these may be nightmares, but their also tasks. To be solved.

SCULLY: But that would suggest an intelligent force is behind all of this. When in fact you could all be part of a dream I’m having. A weird dream. But a dream nonetheless.

MAGGIE: We could all say the same thing. I know about dreams. They can be as real as anything.

EZRI: Well if we are all figments of someone’s a imagination, there isn’t much we can do but play along. After all, it wouldn’t matter much in the long run.

JOEY: Monica. You’ve stopped crying.

MONICA: With everyone talking, it suddenly felt like home again. Despite the mess.

Maggie bends forward.


Ezri steps to her rescue. She checks Maggie’s back.

EZRI: You’re injured.

MAGGIE: I can feel that. Oooooh!

EZRI: Here let me help you to the couch.

MONICA: She’s not bleeding is she?

EZRI: I little. Why?

MONICA: (realising she’s sounding bit shallow) Its - just – that - blood – really – stains.

ANGELA: Monica!

SEVEN: I would suggest that Monica is correct. If indeed we have to complete a mission to move onward, then our obvious first action would be to clean this apartment.

JOEY: I’ll go and get a broom.

EZRI: Seven, you don’t happen to have a dermal regenerator on you by any chance.

SEVEN: I’m afraid not.

EZRI: Monica, where are you bandages?

MONTAGE: A guitar riff plays over scenes of New York.


Angela and Sam round the corner. Sam knocks on the first door they come to.

SAM (V.O.): I’ve leaped into some strange situations, but this is one of the strangest. I didn’t care if Al had hovered through the whole building and saw nothing I wanted to check for myself.

SAM: Nothing.

ANGELA: I don’t think there is anyone her but us.

SAM: Let’s try the next door.


Sam pauses.

ANGELA: Can I ask you something?

SAM: Go on.

ANGELA: Out of everyone you seem the most happy with all this. You even seem to be enjoying yourself.

SAM: Oh, I want to get home as much as you do.

ANGELA: But you’re taking it in you stride. Like you’ve been doing this forever. Or something.

SAM: I have . . .

Angela goes to say something . . .

SAM: But I can’t tell you anything about it.

ANGELA: But if you aren’t telling everyone somthing which might help, shouldn’t you say . . .

SAM: I can’t . I just can’t. You’ll have to trust me.

ANGELA (V.O.): Although she looked just like the woman I saw with my dad when I was dropped of by the police car that night, there was something in her eyes. A glint of something, which made me trust her.


SAM: C’mon, there’s no one here. Let’s get back up stairs.

MONTAGE: Scenes of the apartment block bathed in red and blue light, at the bottom a coffee house.


Angela and Sam enter through the open door of the apartment just as a black bag is thrown past their head. They place is spotless, clean and Monica is smiling.

SAM: Wow.

JOEY: Looks good doesn’t it?

MONICA: I know it might not be real, but it looks cleaner than it’s ever been. Thank you.

SCULLY: You’re welcome – I think.

EZRI (to SAM): Anyone around.

SAM: Sorry.

BUFFY: Then we definitely aren’t travelling in time or space. There definitely is something else going on.

SEVEN: And whatever that is will become apparent as time goes on.

MONICA: I don’t know about you people, but I could really do with a coffee. And since the place is deserted I’ll bet the coffee house will be too. So free coffee.

JOEY: Sound great. Let’s go.

They head for the door.

MONICA (pointing): Bags.

Everyone sighs, turns, and one by one, each grabs a bag. But as they leave the scene shifts to . . .

Oh man, reading that back, I'm really not proud of it. Obviously it's riffing on Monica's cleanliness trope in Friends and that's why female action heroes are cleaning an apartment because that's what the task is here, but nevertheless, I have Dana Scully and Buffy Summers cleaning an apartment. Oh well.

Luckily I must have realised my mistake and thought of something else for the main series, when I was writing the episode guide. That's the episode guide. Here it is:

3: Buffy: The Vampire Slayer

The initial idea was a world without The Slayer. But Joss and the gang got there before us in The Wish. My other idea would be a Sunnydale without a Hellmouth - the only demons are those which the main cast bring upon themselves, slowly destroying each other. The twist, then, is that our gang has to actually open the Hellmouth so that that everyone has something to unite against. Understandably, Buffy isn't happy.

4: Friends

Monica's real friends are gone, and her apartment has been demolished. Our gang has to bring together the six from their own messy lives (Pheobe is still homeless; Rachel is in an unhappy marriage with Barry; Ross and Monica don't talk - Monica is being exploited by her boss; Ross never got over his wife; Chandler follows his Mother around getting handouts; Joey is in a loveless marriage). As the story progresses, the tragedy moves into comedy.

5: The X-Files

There are no X-Files. Scully is dead, having failed in ending the conspiracy. The earth over run by an alien intelligence. As the gang are on the run, our Scully's mobile phone rings. It's Mulder the last living human. He knew she was here and needs her help. How?

6/7: Northern Exposure / Quantum Leap (Two Parter)

The gang have leapt into the community of Cicely, Alaska, and although are still known by their own names, they don't remember their past lives - it's as though they've been there all their lives: Monica is cook at 'The Brick'; Buffy is local law enforcement; Ezri is a scientist studying the Aurora Borealis; Seven is a dot-com millionaire on vacation; Joey and Angela are sisters attending the local school; Scully is a news reporter of Kber Radio; and Maggie is Maggie, with no recollection of their previous adventures. Trouble is, only Sam (still Alia) knows their true personalities and he can't convince any of them otherwise (especially Maggie). Can he convince them otherwise before Maurice sells the town out to oil prospecters?

8: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine

The Dax-simulant wasn't saved and died with Jadzia, and no one is happy. Sisko against orders is launching revenge attack after revenge attack against the Dominion and whoever else he wants to, a pawn of the Pah-wraiths. People are dying. Can the gang do something before everyone dies?

9: My So-Called Life

Joey is feeling out of sorts because she feels like she's baggage in this whole adventure, time after time being protected instead of protecting. Here is a situation she might be able to help with. After rejecting Brian, but not being able to even look at Jordan, Angela Chase has run away. Our Angela steps into the void, knowing now that Brian is her boy, Jordan a passing phase. In cahoots with Joey and Monica they try to do all of the subtle things which would make this world a better place to live. Meanwhile, the gang protectors attempt to find this reality's Angela who has completely disappeared, in what are increasingly looking like sinister circumstances.

10: Finale

In the above script, there are three interludes, which suggest a male team on a similar quest. In the final tenth episode the two teams link together and get battle the malevolent force at the heart of the matter. Someone with the most to lose when they're cancelled, a fan. A delirious homage to the final episodes we can't bare to see . . .

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