Showing posts with label screen studies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label screen studies. Show all posts

Scene Unseen:
The Breakfast Club



Film The article I linked yesterday about Ally Sheedy reminds me of an essay I wrote during my post-graduate film course about The Breakfast Club for a "Research Methods" module. The question was ...

Select a short scene from a film and analyse how gender and sexuality are portrayed …

... and we were tasked (in under a thousand words) with finding a scene which best expressed such things as Laura Mulvey's gaze and how films are approached by female spectators. The ideal choice, selected by two of my other classmates is the moment from Vertigo when Jimmy Stewart's Scottie sees Kim Novak for the first time, which Mulvey mentions directly in her essay Visual Pleasure and Narrative Cinema.

Instead I chose, well you'll read. I later had to repeat a similar exercise for Amelia and Luc Besson's films Nikita and Taxi.  I somehow managed 60% for all three even though I didn't really know what I was doing.

----

The Breakfast Club (1985) is amongst a sequence of films written and sometimes directed by John Hughes exploring the subject of teen angst and a crisis of identity. It is Saturday morning detention in a high school for five students, characterised by an opening voiceover as ‘a brain, an athlete, a basket case, a princess and a criminal’. The film takes place over an eight hour period largely spent in the library as the students argue, then slowly bond over common ground, realising that they are all the same in their own ways. The narrative culminates in a pygmalionesque moment during which Claire (the princess) takes tomboy Allison (the basket case) to one-side, ties her hair back, applies different make up and then sends her out again to be greeted by first Brian (the brain) and Andrew (the athlete). She becomes the subject of their gaze. Although the scene is inter cut with an intimate moment between Claire and Bender (the criminal) in a closet, this essay will concentrate on demonstrating how the audience’s reaction to the reveal is governed by the gaze, the implications of Allison’s transformation and how masculinity is portrayed through Andrew and Brian.

After a brief shot of Brian writing a detention essay, the frame focuses on Andrew’s reaction to the ‘new’ Allison and because the spectator sees her through his point of view during the final reveal, their surprise is heightened. The scene initially conforms completely to Laura Mulvey’s explanation of the gaze: ‘The male is the active “bearer of the look,” where the female in the passive object of the look.’ (Walker, 1981:83) ‘In a world ordered by sexual imbalance, pleasure in looking has been split between active male and passive/female.’ (Mulvey, 1975:11) The reveal does not initially hold on Allison’s form. Andrew looks upwards, almost in slow motion. There is a brief shot of a nervous Allison, there is a quick cut back to Andrew, before returning to Allison tentatively walking forward. The fill light which has pervaded the film, which had once disappeared into the character’s dark clothes and hair, now illuminates her white blouse and angelic face, making her form leap out of the frame. The spectator’s point of view is split; they are in the position of both gazing upon Allison and sympathising with her nerves at how others will react to her change. They are diverted because she is not passive and has an active story of her own.

Jonathan Bernstein argues that the emergence of the feminine Allison is problematic. She becomes ‘just another simpering, pretty high school girl with the hots for a jock’ were once ‘she was a unique and unnerving character’ (Bernstein, 1997: 67), although evidence would point to the effect being temporary. In the closing moments of the film, when Andrew rewards her change of look with a kiss, she rips the team badge from his shirt indicating that her rebelliousness is still in force. Mary Anne Doane would characterise this as a state in which ‘womanliness is a mask which can be worn or removed’ (Doane, 1991: 765). In previous scenes, Allison would work hard to make herself the centre of attention, making loud noises and telling wild stories about her sexual encounters which she would later laugh off saying ‘I'm not a nymphomaniac...I'm a compulsive liar…’ Here, she is unsure of the power her new femininity has, even asking Andrew if it is a ‘good or bad’ thing when he remarks that he can see her face. He says it is good she smiles broadly – she has simply found another, more visual away of keep the attention of others. As Shary indicates Allison ‘diminishes her previous rebel status and (provides) simply another false façade behind which she can hide her anxieties’ (Shary, 2002: 52).

The scene also provides interesting contrasts in the presentation of masculinity. Andrew is presented initially, muscles taut, waiting for action. When Allison enters he leaps off wooden handrail he’s been sitting on and steps forward in what appears to be another example of the character asserting his manliness, something which happens throughout the film, generally against the other alpha-male Bender. During the film he has taken some time to understand Allison and why she seems to close herself off from everyone emotionally, perhaps because he feels himself in his jock status doing the same. ‘Andy is the jock as conflicted masculinity, determined to maintain his physical power but desiring to explore his more emotional – if not intellectual – dimensions.’ (Shary, 2002: 73) Somehow the presence of Allison, especially in this scene, allows him to be softer. He actually appears smaller in the frame and when commenting that he can see her face, he gestures around his chin a way which is quite feminine.

Brian, by contrast, largely accepts his less masculine status in the group. He ‘is indeed ostracized, ridiculed, physically and socially inept, and desexualised, but his yearning for a transformation from his nerd status to a more acceptable or dramatic personality is minimal.’ (Shary, 2002: 35) As the other male presenting the gaze in the scene, his eyes only fix on Allison long enough to gape and offer her his recognition before returning to the essay. He is not standing. He is shot from above, from her point of view, beneath her, placing him in a less prominent masculine position. The final shot of the scenes sees him finish is writing. He punches himself in the arm celebrating his success but it seems to be an almost ironic gesture – when Brian does try and assert his masculinity it is largely in a knowing way.

In the closing moments of the film the opening voiceover is repeated but this time, each character reads their own description and the implication has changed. ‘What we found out is that each one of us is a brain, an athlete, a basket case, a princess and a criminal’ In effect they have discovered that they each share those traits both masculine and feminine and they will effect their near future to varying degrees.

Bibliography:

Bernstein, Jonathan. 1997. Pretty In Pink: The Golden Age of Teenage Movies. St. Martin’s Griffin, New York.

Doane, Mary Anne. 1991. Film and the Maqueade: Theorising the Female Spectator. In. Film theory and criticism : introductory readings. 5th ed. 1999. Edited by Leo Braudy and Marshall Cohen. Oxford University Press, Oxford.

Mulvey, Laura. 1975. Visual Pleasure and Narrative Cinema. In Screen 16, 3:6-18

Shary, Timothy. 2002. Generation Multiplex: The Image of Youth in Contemporary American Cinema. University of Texas Press, Texas.

Walker, Janet. 1981. Psychoanalysis and Feminist Film Theory: The Problem of Sexual Difference and Identity. In. Multiple Voices in Feminist Film Criticism. Edited by Diane Carson et al. 1994. University of Minnesota Press, Minnesota.

Filmography:

The Breakfast Club. 1985. Production: Universal Studios. Directed by John Hughes.

Review 2006



hayleys-comet asks:
What are you most afraid of and why? What have you done to overcome your fears?

I met Anna Ford yesterday.

It's graduation day and I'm sat in the Whitworth Hall at Manchester University, a giant medieval-style hall with a wood carved ceiling, with my two other remaining course mates. I'm looking through the order of service booklet and notice that the presiding officer will be Anna Ford. I wonder if it'll be the Anna Ford and I'm rather excited - perhaps in a weird way - more than getting the certificate. I'm very nervous for reason I can't quite work out - all I'll be doing is walking up onto the low stage, shaking a hand and processing through the central aisle back to my seat.

Earlier I'd gone to the gown and hat fitting and spoke to the nice lady who made sure that everything was in the right place. I think I said something like: 'I didn't think this would happen. I remember seeing last year's students in the robes and thought it would never happen' and she had said 'Well you are. And its an MA and you will have worked really hard for it.'

Briefly I'd felt the weight of that work on my shoulders, the tired nights, the academic frustrations, tinged with a nostalgia I'd voice later to my tutor that I was actually missing it, which I am. I'd do another degree in a heartbeat. The fitter had probably said the same thing to everyone who walked up to her, but it was exactly what I needed to hear. She mentioned that her own kids would be going through the process to and I suggested that she'd be going to a few graduations herself. 'I hope so.' She smiled.

The mace is brought into the hall and the opening procession begins and as the Phd's pass by and the dons it becomes apparent that actually yes, it is Anna Ford. Nationwide's Anna Ford. She was shorter than I'd expected in the way that famous people usually are. I'd seen Coronation Street's Susie Blake earlier in the day fussing over biscuits in Marks & Spencers at Lime Street Station but she seemed quite tall. Why is it that people always fixate on these things? Just me?

The ceremony begins soon and Anna Ford gives the address in which she talks about our achievement, and says that we'll be Manchester University students for the rest of our lives before listing all of the awards the institution has won lately. Again, I think, as I always do -- I went here? Apparently my Dad, who was sitting with my Mum at the back of the hall got quite emotional at this bit which is not like him.

The students begin to process up for their handshake and certificate. As I watch, it was almost like watching my year pass by as I realise how many people I'd actually met over the year. I might not have become great friends with any or all of them it also demonstrated that I wasn't really as insular as I thought. Somewhere clapped more than others (as you'd expect) and some reacted to the honour more than others - after the shake he stepped forward and clenched his fist as though he'd scored a goal.

Then it was our turn. We stepped up into queue. Someone checked I was in the right place by asking my name and the nice fitter lady from earlier in the day made sure that my gown was still on properly. Between times I'd been to pick up my dissertation - I agreed with all of the comments even the negative ones - and got my picture taken. At the studio, the photographers had noticed my Liverpool accent and asked me which team I support. Even though I said Everton but that I knew nothing about Football, they still asked me who'd scored some goal in some year in some championship. Blank-blank-blank-eff-blank-eee. Nope, sorry.

I'm at the bottom of the stair now looking up at Anna Ford. Mentally I keep staying: 'Don't trip up, don't trip up, don't trip up.' The announcer said: 'And in Screen Studies, graduating with a merit ? Stuart Ian Burns' I walked forward and didn't trip on the stairs, kept my stride pattern and put out my hand.

Anna Ford said something. I think it was 'Well done'.
'Very pleased to meet you.' I replied and grinned. She returned the grin then looked off towards my course mate Geraldine who was next up.

I turned and faced the audience. Whether it was the clapping or the fact that the announcer sounded like he'd just confirmed that I was the Heavy Weight Champion of the World, but I began to wave. Then stopped. So it was a half wave. I was handed my certificate and that was that.

Mum and Dad went home and I went to the reception for a drink with my course mate Marie-Anna and her family. My tutor, David, found us and said lots of nice things and agreed with me on my disappointment with Pan's Labyrinth. Once the party was over we talked for another hour about my dissertation and Torchwood and Doctor Who and agreed to stay in touch.

On the train home I ate a cheese, bacon and tomato baguette and somewhere in there I began to finally feel like a graduate. It seemed right to be on the Manchester train home again, just as I had after all those days of study for all those weeks. As the end of the journey, I must have been showing the tiredness of the day as I stood up because a fellow passenger said.
'Nearly home.'
I nodded.
'Where did you come from?'
'Manchester,' I said, 'But I graduated today. It's been a long day.'
'What did you study?'
'Screen Studies.'
I looked at his table. There was a brochure for Newcastle University there.
'You going to Newcastle?'
'Hoping to.'
'Was it the open day today?'
'Yes.'
'The uni - I saw the polytechnic when I was applying...'
'The uni.' He grinned.
'Did you get that feeling as you were walking around of "This feels right, I want to be here."'
He nodded his eyes lit up.
'Yes.'
The train stopped.
'Well good luck.' I said.
'Thanks.'
And I walked away.

The thing I was really, truly most afraid of was not graduating. I overcame my fear by graduating.

And meeting Anna Ford.

Review 2006: Graduation Day!



F asks:
I've kindly been given a subscription to LoveFilm and while I have a few things I'd like to see I want to make the most of the opportunity and see films I wouldn't otherwise. I have a largely uneducated interest in foreign film, particularly French and Italian - any recommendations? No horror please, just interesting and beautiful films you think are worth watching.

First of all, welcome to LoveFilm (the European Netflix), which is finally creeping out of its Fight Club-like obscurity and becoming the rental company of choice for the film fan. Well alright the service can be maddening sometimes, you'll only rarely get the film you really want but the whole of the global film history is available to you (apart from anything which isn't available on dvd) and it's going to be a wild ride. Again, I say, welcome.

Secondly, I love this question. I love this question because I've almost already answered it. Earlier in the year, a friend's girlfriend asked pretty much the same thing and I spent that night drawing up a list. I decided that rather than simply dropping in those films which everyone expects you to have seen, I'd include the interesting and beautiful films that I thought were worth watching. And that's what you've asked for here. As it turned out ...

It's a bit long.

I originally posted it on here mid year and looking through there's not one I would change, although I have added a couple I've met since. It is an ecclectic mix, although the high proportion are French because for many years most of anything released here has heralded from that great nation. I have to admit to there being a void in my knowledge were the Italian cinema industry should be but we have ways and means which'll be described afterwards. Anyway, here is the list and just for you as well as flagging up the films I've really loved with a *, those with a (h) are the horror films so that you can avoid them...

8 Women
20:30:40 *
400 Blows
Akira
L'Apartment *
A Very Long Engagement
Aimee and Jaguar
Amelie *
Amores Perros
Bande A Part *
Battle Royale
Belle Epoque
Belleville Rendez-Vous
Betty Blue *
Blue Gate Crossing *
Bob De Flambier
Closely Observed Trains
Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon
Cyclo
Etre Et Avoir
Fairwell My Concubine
Festen
Un Flic
French Twist
Goldfish Memory
Goodbye Lenin!
Heaven
He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not
Hero
Hidden
House of Flying Daggers
In The Mood For Love
In This World
Intimate Strangers
Irreversible
Jean De Florette/Manon Des Sources
Jesus of Montreal *
Jules Et Jim
Kitchen Stories
Lagaan
La Règle du jeu
La Reine Margot
Last Life In The Universe
Like Water For Chocolate
Look at Me *
Love Me If You Dare
Ma Vie En Rose
M
Malena
Metropolis
No Man's Land
Nikita
Okay
Partie De Campagne
Place Vendome (pictured)
Pot Luck * (l'auberge espagnole)
Le Gout des Autres
Ran
Red Lights
Ringu
Rome, Open City
Run Lola Run
Shaolin Soccer
Show Me Love *
Solaris
Summer Things
Super
Survive Style 5+
Spring, Summer, Autumn, Winter And Spring
Sunrise
Take Care of My Cat
Taxi *
Taxi 2 *
Ten
The Dreamers *
The Hairdresser's Husband *
The Horseman on the Roof
The Last Metro
The Man Without A Past
The Motorcycle Diaries *
The Seventh Seal
The Umbrellas of Cherborg
The Russian Dolls *
Three Colours Blue *
Three Colours White
Three Colours Red *
Three Seasons (1999) *
Throne of Blood
Trilogy - One / Two / Three *
Un Coeur En Hiver
Un Flic
Une Liaison Pornographique
Volver
Wild Strawberries
Wings of Desire
Y Tu Mamma Tambien
Zatoichi *


So actually, no horror, which could mean that my mate's girlmate had the same request. Although to be honest once you've seen Ringu, Ju-On, The Name of the Beast, The Eye and Audition everything else seems a bit derivative.

There are a couple of crossover films - which might be considered English Language in a certain list, and it's far from complete. I'm sure there are omissions which will have other film fans bristling. What only one Almodovar they'll be saying. Where's all the Truffaut gone? Which is why I'm also going to throw in some hints and tips. Sorry if any of this is too obvious or unhelpful:

Don't expect many happy endings. I think it was Godard who said that if the film has a happy ending people will remember the middle. Give them a surprise and they'll walk away talking about the ending. Expect curve balls and surprises. But sometimes that can be the good thing because just when you expect the suicidal homeless prostitute to kill herself finally and violently, the rich bloke she met in a café earlier in the film will sweep her off her feet.

European filmmakers tend to adhere to something called the auteur approach which means that many of their films will have similar concerns and have a similar style. American examples would be Woody Allen or Steven Soderbergh. If you like one of their films you'll more than likely enjoy everything else although be wary of artistic development - I love Jean-Luc Godard's early New Wave films but as time's gone on he's become increasingly more obscure and abstract stretch what might be considered a narrative to its limits to the point that I find is most recent stuff unwatchable. Oddly enough, play the casting game too. Actors like Emanuelle Beart or Irene Jacob or Jean Reno have been very astute over the years in working with some of the really great directors and if its good enough for the ... Be wary of Gerard Depardieau though - he's the Michael Caine of France and has made some real stinkers over the years.

What I've tended to do lately is really scrutinize the synopsis that appears on the site and if the story doesn't seem attractive you're probably best steering clear. The main problem with getting this stuff through LoveFilm is that you'll have been to work had a shitty day and if you're not careful they will have sent you a masterpiece from Bergman's particularly depressive period. Uplifting stuff in a 'I'm glad my life's not like that' kind of way but not the sort of thing to be looking at when all you want is a bit of escapism.

I'd imagine I'd get shouted at by some of my peers for that last sentence but I'm working from bitter experience. If you see something you think you'd like to see but don't think you'd like to see any time, keep it noted down somewhere and surprisingly maybe your local library has a copy. If you're at uni, you might even have access to a language centre connected to that school and often they'll allow anyone to borrow the material or watch it there if they have the facilities.

French Heritage films are great. You really haven't seen a costume drama until you've seen them do it - whereas the British do the small intimate chamber stories, the French are generally all about the big sweeping melodramatic gestures, autocracy getting the chop and what not and the budgets are generally massive. I suspect the reason that Sofia Coppolla's Marie Antoinette was booed at Cannes is because she was riffing on one of their beloved genres more than the apparent misunderstandings about French history. Pick up some books on French Cinema and there will be a massive section about Heritage films but the funny thing is that although as with everywhere else they share cast members and directors and even writers with other styles of filmmaking, they're a law unto themselves. As usual, the wikipedia is a good place to look for more information and recommendations. I've included a couple in the list above.

Now, to address the Italian film void and everything else ...

Look at BBC Four's website. They're pretty selective and haven't broadcast many bad films not even for contractual reasons. Many of the things I had to watch for my film studies course were recordings from their broadcasts. They also generally have an introductory essay which will give you a flavour of the film and also a list of suggestions for further viewing.

Also the list of Oscar nominations. Amazingly, there aren't that many bad choices amongst the winners, and looking back into the past some really seminal films have been chosen. But basically if it looks boring and a haul, it probably is.

The Wikipedia. The entries for French Cinema and Italian Cinema are a mine of information and individual film entries have links to database websites like the Internet Movie Database and Rotten Tomatoes so that you can see what the film is really like. Time's precious and thirty seconds glancing through this can save you two and a half hours screen time spent with some insufferable people café hopping in Marseille who you'll just want to smack. To save time just these are the links to just the film lists for France and Italy. The metaentry for World Cinema is here.

I hope that is of some use. Anyone else got any ideas?

Flaws

Life Pottering about. My vaguely casual job ends on Sunday (expect the big reveal next week) but I've irons in the fire (I think -- ooh mysterious). There's been a noticable drop in job adverts in my areas of interest, presumably because people don't want to be going through the recruitment process over Christmas. Looking forward to graduation -- hired my gown and flat hat (my head has a circumference of 24 inches) -- there should be three of us from my course there, which is good news. I'll also be able to get the feedback for my dissertation which I'm surprisingly nervous about. I always seem to focus on the flaws no matter how well I've done or what I've achieved.

I'm catching up on the many hundreds of documentaries and films and documentaries I've recorded in the past few years when I had a life. Watched something I recorded from Channel Four last year some time about female portrait artists, but mostly Frida Kahlo, in which I learnt that she apparently had a perpetual open wound which she would show everyone through her specially designed costumes and had an affair with Trotsky. Ick. Interesting stuff although the presenter thought himself to be a bit post modern announcing the break with things like 'more soon' and 'in a minute we'll talk about this'. Pity his delivery was akin to Tommy Cockles from The Fast Show.

Follow the Day

Life I received the letter this morning.

I now have an MA Screen Studies (Merit).

Good lord.

Bar we

Life Spent some of this afternoon at Liverpool University listening to John, my old film philosophy tutor give a talk about (and I think I understood this) the extent to which Ingmar Bergman viewed religion as having about as much use as a rabbit's foot in terms of how praying can actually help your situation in life. Somehow managed to get into a lively 'discussion' with some bloke about whether religious people can debate philosophy dispassionately. I say it was a debate -- I was basically being lectured at, but my few interjections, which basically contradicted what he was saying, seemed to rattle him a bit so I think I won the argument (in my own head anyway). The fact that I understood any of this anyway seems like a victory to me.

Afterwards, birthday dinner with my friend Chris at the Everyman Bistro -- I discovered the vagaries of their Nut Roast with Red Pepper and Cheddar Cheese which I think needed more salt. Then we ended up in the FAB Bar, which I discover, six months after it opened is a cult sci-fi fans mecca. It's on Hope Street underneath Road Kill near The Phil pub and through a doorway past a fairly nondescript sign is are stairs downwards, the walls covered in movie posters (mark gained for Serenity, marks lost for Little Britain). At the bottom is a basement bar and it didn't take long to see that this was nothing like anywhere else in the city, what with the screen showing Trap Door (remember that?) and a giant wall behind the bar featuring a range of comic and cartoon characters from the Clone Wars animated version of Yoda to a more than prominent Wonder Woman.

The bottom end of the bar to the floor level is a model TARDIS with lights behind its windows flashing in and out. To the side of this is a late-sixties era Cyberman breaking from an ice chamber, with a K9 looking slightly drunk. A raised stage area is modeled the transporter pad from Classic Trek and on another wall lights flashing over a sphere which I think is meant to be Zen from Blakes Seven. The rest of the walls are covered in film posters, and signed photographs of over a hundred genre actors from Sylv and Sophie through Harrison Ford to George Lazenby to the cast of Buffy. There's also a display cabinet filled with merchandise, the most exciting being a Metal Mickey piggy bank. I'd really like to see what this place is like at the weekend -- I can't imagine it being filled with the not-we.

Prospects

Life Before going to the see the careers advisor I'd remarked to someone that actually I was really expecting to sit with someone and listen to them telling me many things that I already knew. It was like going to someone looking for relationship advice even though you know yourself actually what you need. She noted that actually what you end up doing is going to the person you know will give you the advice you want to hear.

And that's absolutely some of what happened when I sat down in the little office in the university careers office. That it is up to me to put myself out there, that I shouldn't be afraid to apply for jobs even if I'm not entirely qualified but more importantly that I should pick the one profession from the range of possibilities that I'm really interested in and focus on that. Otherwise my seemingly random career will continue and that I'll never find a place were I'm truly happy. But my advisor did say two things which really arrived like a smack in the face.

Although I got the feeling that the advisor I spoke to was more knowledgeable about careers in archiving and librarianship, two of the main sectors that are reflected on my cv, the most useful thing she explained was that if I really do want to become a writer, and particularly a film journalist I shouldn't be afraid to write to people in the industry, people whose work I admire or whose job looks really attractive and ask for advice, perhaps including samples of my work.

She also introduced me to Prospects, and extraordinary website that presents up to date information regarding the experience that is actually expected in vast range of jobs with potential contacts, employers and agencies that you might not necessarily have been aware of before. This is amazing stuff and really one of the best things which came out of our discussion. She also explained that often candidates for jobs will not have all of the expected experience, and that I should ring up the employer, talk enthusiastically and really ask whether it is worth applying. I remember having similar conversations before applying for both of my university degrees and why I hadn't thought of it before is mystery.

There are still barriers though which I'm sure are psychological, not helped by the fact that I won't actually know if I'm going to graduate until my dissertation mark is released in mid-November. Looking at both of the reviews I've hammered out today and my writing in general, there seems to be a country mile between my amateurism and what people are paid for in the industry. I'm hopelessly self critical about my work and although I've had some indicators that I'm not too bad, I look at the work of the people I do admire and it has an effortlessness and pithiness that I seem incapable of. Perhaps I should stop trying so hard and just go with the flow...

Next

Life I made an appointment at the university's career service today. Big step. Although I did feel like I was making an appointment to see a shrink.

Not mild, not perilous

Film Have a look at this cover for the new dvd release of Bertrand Blier's Les Valseuses:



"Uninhibited sex, random violence."

Hoorah!

[Having watched the film as part of my university course I can contest that in fact it does contain both -- and you've no idea how uncomfortable it was seeing it in the language lab where random strangers could look over your shoulder and wonder what kid of course I was doing. I just love the baldness of the description though -- that all pull quotes were that descriptive. Unlike the infamous BBFC description 'mild peril' it perfectly captures the content of the work -- although you could add "aimless wandering" in at the end too, but that might not sell too many discs.]

Lissless

Life So for the second time this year I was sitting in a room filled with fellow hoodlums (bloggers). The difference this time was that I actually knew it was happening. I've only ever met three other bloggers in the five years I've been doing this and I'm always slightly intimidate/nervous/wigged-out by the process, because in a nice way they're never what I expect but I always have the feeling that it's also true for them but not in a good way.

It's a self-esteem thing to be sure which is odd because that's not something I've had problems with for years. Inevitably at the back of my mind, if they've read my blog, I'm thinking that they're thinking -- 'You -- that is you -- actually write that?' as though what I do on here has no correlation with who I am out there. Which isn't true at all (I hope otherwise I'm in serious trouble). Thankfully, Kate was lovely even if she wasn't catching me at my best. I was really, really tired because I've been waking up at half-seven every morning however late I've been up the night before. My body is still in the university routine I think.

The other problem I have at these events (he says as though he's been to several) is that because I'm basically the only person I know who has any depth of knowledge about blogging and the web there's a whole vocabulary that I only ever use in text or read from a screen -- so here I am saying brand names like 'YouTube' and even 'Blogger' outloud for the first time in ages or ever and they sounded incongruous coming from my lips in the same way that words like 'cat', 'dog' and 'ball' did when I was using them in nursery school. I think I got away with it. Even having to say my name and the name of this blog sounded wierd -- apparently I say 'feeling lissless' with that important letter 't' no doubt being tucked under my vocal chords having a nap. There was also a vague mental rictus when I was trying to remember the word 'delegate'. How could that be?

Man Not Blog

Commuter Life One side effect of leaving university is a discussion on whether I can still claim to be in the Manchester Blogging Club. I won't be spending most of my time there any more with just the odd trip now and then for The Cornerhouse or the galleries or shopping or whatever. Shame.

Perhaps there are honorary positions ...

Half

Life Two days into the rest of my life and I'm beginning to understand actually what I've managed to do. Irrespective of whether I graduate, I managed to apply to one university, Manchester University, to do a post-graduate degree, in film, managed to get through twelve months of it, get all my essays in on time and understand some of it, and be sitting here the other side. Despite some of the disappointments, that's a huge achievement.

For me.

Who only just managed to get enough A-Levels to go to university last time (Art & Design and General Studies), who's never been that academic (failed English Lit), and whose mother was told one parent's evening that he would never amount to much. Ever.* You know when this hit me? I was flicking through the Media Employment section of The Guardian and saw a job which I was only half qualified for and the half was something like 'Must have a post-graduate degree in Film or related' -- and I thought -- I almost have one of those.

That's when this became real to me. What have I done?

* which really makes me sound like I was an oik at school when I was one of the kids who worked really hard but ended up with low marks anyway. I always thought what he said was a bit unfair ...

Fin

Life I handed my dissertation in today.

It was one of most exciting of anti-climaxes. Although I'd been advised by the people who do the binding that the two copies wouldn't be ready until two o'clock today, I went early, this morning, on the off chance, and there they were. Lovely black hard cover with my name on the side in gold lettering. I was proud. The person at the desk suggested I check through it to make sure everything was all ok.

Flicking through I noticed a footnote I didn't remember writing. And a reference. And a conclusion I hadn't seen before. Then a print-out covering sheet. What had evidently happened was that when I'd printed it out on Friday someone had sent something else to the printer and rather than the usual pause in between, the job had appeared all together, I'd picked it up, checked it without seeing anything wrong and simply taken it down for binding. Surprisingly I didn't swear because I knew that something would go wrong. Self fulfilling prophecy. That was why I'd been sorting it out a week early.

I asked person on the binding counter if anything could be done. She disappeared into the bowels of the library and spoke to the people who actually do the binding and the word that came back was that if they cut the pages out that it would look odd and the examiner might not like it so I would have to pay for it to be rebound. I asked if they were willing to do it anyway. She said not. But that I could and speak directly to the binders. At the back of the building.

I walked around the outside of the library to a backdoor I previously hadn't known anything about. I rang the bell. An older man appeared and I explained the issue to him. He smiled and told be to wait. Someone else arrived and I told him. He smiled and said no. I pressed him further. He said yes. The pages were cut out nice and neatly and it really just liked something that had happened during the binding process. Sigh. I was seeing my tutor one final time anyway so I too the dissertation to him and he just smiled and said it would be fine and he wouldn't have noticed it if I hadn't mentioned it. Sigh again.

So off it went. The final act of the academic year and it was as anti-climactic as I was expecting. I'm not saying there should be music and bunting it just seemed so ...

By a strange twist I managed to bump into some of the people I'd met that first day as they too were in various stages of handing in or applying for jobs. That seemed right somehow, almost like I'd book ended the year. I reflected on all the things I haven't done this year but also all the great things that I had.

As I turned to walk up Oxford Road towards the station one final time as an official Manchester University student I remembered my first day, clutching a map and nearly tripping over. I kept turning around and looking at the buildings for the last time that they would be somewhere I would be and just kept sighing. I didn't want to leave even though my connection to them had been far more tangential than I might have wanted.

But I felt a flatness as though it wasn't really over because in some ways it hadn't really begun. My one regret was never going swimming the university pool. I'd wanted to. Forgotten I'd wanted to, then reminded myself as I passed by today smelling the chlorine. Funny.

Fair's fair

Books In the afternoon I went to the book fair at St. Anne's Square in Manchester City Centre. Around twenty stalls from small publishers. Given that I literally have about a hundred books still to read I hadn't intended to buy anything, but then I noticed a small hardback book describing the history of theatre in Buxton, which because it is such a specific topic will probably be fascinating. I also bumped into one of Fani's old university friends and somehow managed to end up chatting to him about my dissertation. Of course he mentioned a film I hadn't thought of that would have proved one of my contentions after its finished and waiting to be bound. Of course he did. As I was passing into the cinema to see Betty Page afterwards I noticed a poster on the wall for new Australian film Look Both Ways which has a magazine quote that says something like 'Magnolia mixed with Crash and Six Feet Under'. So it's a hyperlink film then? Good job I mentioned it in my appendix...

There and back again.

Life The university have been randomly sending me literature about using their computer based self service registration system next year, which is odd and a concern because now that today I've put my dissertation in for binding, I was under the impresion that my course was over and my second academic career was coming to an end.

Even as I was printing the thing out I spotted the odd mistake that I had to go back and repair even having previously proofread it, on the screen, printed out and upside down. My hands shook as I handed it in over the hatch in the library and payed the binding charge, with questions flying through my brain -- what if I've missed something, made some major error, got the pagination wrong, how much will I be penalised because I've put a comma instead of a full stop in the bibliography?

Not much more I can do now, except to wander what I'm going to do next. Because I'm the kind of person who hasn't learned to multi-task very well, I've been concentrating on my dissertation over the summer and little else and now I'm at the abyss looking downwards. It's funny how it's ten years since I graduated last time and here I am again. I know it isn't quite the same because I have all those years of experience in a range of different jobs and I'm sure that there's a job out there that can take advantage of all my talents. Does the BFI run a call centre were people can call asking for on the spot film reviews?

Thought not.

Londonish

Travel With the end of university already, I've booked a day in London for no reason other than because it was only £16.50 return with my railcard, which seems especially cheap. I have no plans on what I'll be doing with the day since none of the major galleries seem to have an exhibition I'd like to see and The Globe's play for that day is A Comedy of Errors which is something I've never been in love with.

Can anyone recommend any really excellent attractions that are off the beaten track that are worth visiting? I saw most of the South Bank when I went on a meander this time last year, but I'm sure there's something I missed. Theatre or cinema related would be a plus.

Of course I could just buy a copy of Time Out.

Synchronicity

Life At the beginning of February I made an offer here for anyone who'd like a personalised blog entry posted to them to send me their address and a subject for me to write about. In the end I recieved two requests, from Annette (which you can read about here) and Alex who asked me about the BBC Design quiz and what I would have selected. I eventually got around to posting both and that was that. Unless someone else would like one.

A couple of weeks ago I was travelling home from Manchester one night and as we passed through the new Garston South Park (Way) station I caught the eye of the random commuter sitting opposite me and then verbalised what we were both thinking -- that it was wierd that a main line train didn't stop at this brand spanking new station serving the airport and we agreed that it seemed really desolate and unwelcoming. We chatted all the way back to Liverpool and did my usual and talked about my course and films and my dissertation. I'm not too much of a bore I don't think.

Last night I received an email from Alex thanking me for the letter, apologising for being slow in replying and saying some nice things which I agreed with about the clarity of the London tube map. Then she said ... "By the way I think I met you. I was on a train returning from Stockport, I think you sat opposite me and we spoke about the new but desolate South Parkway station. Was that you?"

I stepped away from the keyboard, I screamed and I ran away to tell someone.

As the narrator says in Magnolia:

'There are stories of coincidence and chance, and intersections and strange things told, and which is which and who only knows? And we generally say, "Well, if that was in a movie, I wouldn't believe it." Someone's so-and-so met someone else's so-and-so and so on. And it is in the humble opinion of this narrator that strange things happen all the time. And so it goes, and so it goes. And the book says, "We may be through with the past, but the past ain't through with us." '

Ain't that the truth?

Bookshelves

Life Today I sat in between bookshelves looking up at books by Kant, Derrida, Foucalt, Jameson and Lyotard and wondered what had happened. But then I realised that I was back at university to be challenged and if I really didn't understand much of The Postmodern Condition then at least I was trying. And there were always many people who have understood it willing to publish book with their thoughts.

I was watching Big Brother tonight and again I wondered what happened. On the principal that it hasn't been all that interesting since John Tickle or Nush failed to win, I've been disengaged from the whole thing (evidenced by the lack of writing on the subject here). But really every now and then I've found myself stuck watching it tonight with all its hypnotic draw -- I have much the same reaction to property shows.

They just all seem slightly, wierd in their own particular ways. How old is Aisleyne and why does she cry so? Is this entertainment now? I've just clicked onto the offical website to put a name to faces and there are so many housemates that have them on a scrolly bar at the top of the page. Oh well Susie to win on the basis that she's from Liverpool and seemed quite sensible.

Meanwhile, a voice in Atlanta spoke out against his classmates at graduation because they just didn't seem to think too much. Best get back to reading. On Friday.

Relish

Life My dissertation got all on top of me. Even though my back's working again, as usual with any of these things I reached a point were I get so twisted up in theory and the panic of it all that I lose sight of what the thing is about and what I should be writing. So I'm going to take it easier this week just to get my head back into the mood. I've written 5,700 words already for a 4,000 word long chapter most of which is salvagable for other places. It just needed a clear direction and in the cooler weather today I think I found one. I've even mapped out chapter two. Amazing. It's all to do with chaos theory and Carl Jung's theory of synchonicity. I'm doing a film course. Oh yes.

I think the trip to Shrewsbury yesterday helped a bit. I needed to get away and give my eyes something new to look at and my feet something other than carpet to be walking on. Shrewsbury has cobbles. There's something about going to a place you don't really know and just walking about, discovering. I visited some lovely old churches, the castle and the impressive Abbey as well as the museum with its millenia old rowing oats and helmets and armour. The town itself is quiet though, unsettlingly so. Even the engines of the cars seemed to whisper as though they knew something important but thought it best not to mention it. It's the kind of place too that has shops called 'Aroma' that sell things that smell nice like jams and coffees or that have a business plan built around the sale of a single item like rugs or curtains.

If there was one disappointment it was the lunchtime burger. I last visited Shrewsbury as a child on a holiday in Shropshire. My Mum reminded me on Sunday night:
'Ooh remember that day you had constipation and we had to go to Boots to get you some stuff.'
'Yes, I do. And thanks.'
The thing I remember vividly was a lunchtime visit to a pub that sold something called a New Yorker burger which to some pallets might not have been all that impressive but to my young tastebuds was a glimpse through the clouds into heaven, with the bacon, the cheese and the relish the songs of angels (have I stretched that metaphore?). Of course all these years later there was no way the place would still be there. But I did find the pub. It's a chain now, called 'The Hole In The Wall'. I had one of their burgers. It had cheese and bacon and moist patty but it just seemed -- bland. But I still have that taste memory of the past to keep me going though. Hmmm...

Muffin

Life This last couple of days have been spent at a Philosophy of Film conference at Liverpool University. I'm feeling hot and drained so I can't really put into too many words how enjoyable its been. I might not be intelligent enough to have grasped all of the intricacies of everything which was said over the two days and I think I might have over compensated by talking to people a lot and loudly (as usual).

I did have a moment of zen during one of the breaks at the refreshment table on the first day when I began to second guess myself and my own greed.

Should that be a small muffin, or a large muffin?

I chose a small muffin.

I think it was a (tiny) personal victory.

Something which became perfectly clear during the two days is that the filmic experience we're all enjoying through dvd is nothing like that which should be a available at a cinema. Obviously. Even on a large screen tv, the interaction between you and the film is absolutely diminished because of the interuptions and distractions. It seems like the only, perfect way to see something like Tarkovsky's Stalker is in a massive auditorium with an audience that will stay completely still throughout the film just letting themselves be lost in the filmic experience. Anything other than that and the message or idea being projected by the film maker is corrupted.

Although dvd gives us access to many more films in a far better condition than could be conceived of previously the home market totally ruined the repertory secondary presentation system through which most people a few decades older than me saw these films. Although a flick through Time Out shows that these places do still exist in London, regionally, unless a new print has been released by the BFI, there isn't anywhere that someone could go and see an Bergman film in an environment close to that which he intended. There's something very wrong about seeing Persona on dvd. The pacing and rhythms are ruined because the viewer generally has somewhere else to look.

The trouble is, if in Liverpool, for example, someone were to buy up and renovate one of the old cinemas, The Futurist or old ABC on Lime Street and just had a diet of non-new not always commercial films, would there be an audience for them? I saw 8 1/2 at FACT last year and it was a near sell out but that was on the smallest screen. Perhaps a programme akin to that which the new version of the FilmFour channel are proposing might work, of 'popular' classics during the day with more challenging pieces in the evening. The only unknown factor I have is cost -- how much are the prints of these films to source and how big an audience would be required to survive?