Placement: After Late Night Shopping.
The Caves of Erith (Short Trips Rarities).
Master! Planet Doom: Hellbound
Hellbound
Then, some way into the third episode, the Axon Doctor finally turns up with Paul offering his monotone take on the best Doctor before the best Doctor himself turns up and this boxset elevates itself from Alternative Eighth Doctors section of the timeline to somewhere before (see below). As he and the TARDIS are released from the Axon's grip, the Eight Doctor immediately steals the flow of the story from Vienna and the titular character, defeating the monsters and saving the day. Quite honestly its brilliant and elevates a story which until that point is pretty grim and nasty in a way which isn't to my tastes. If only Vienna had stayed with him at the end. They could have some wild adventures together.
Placement: The cover art suggests he's wearing his Time War clothes and he makes a reference to there being much to do, so I'm putting this between All Hands on Deck and Mr. Eighth.
Half Human (Doctor Who Magazine Special Edition #73).
The cover also promises a new short trip from Matthew Jacobs, although if you're expecting a short sequel to the TVM he wrote, or some other piece of soggy nostalgia, you're going to be surprised to find instead a writer seeking an explanation for the controversial moment when the Doctor says he's half human "on his mother's side". With some prodding, he soon realises that... it doesn't matter. The various ideas he's been having about who the Doctor's human mother might be are probably a bit much for this assignment, and that, like everything else in this mad franchise, it's always worked best when it doesn't explain anything. Much as I like The Timeless Children (which he references), all it does is give the Doctor a different mysterious origin.
Placement: The Eighth Doctor does appear briefly, but it's mostly in a similar capacity to the Bogart ghost in Play It Again, Sam or Elvis in True Romance, setting the protagonist right on some things. So, into the Alternative Eighth Doctor section it goes.
The Battle of Giant's Causeway (Sontarans vs Rutans)
As with the Time War, it's Big Finish filling in the gaps around moments in the timelines which were only hinted at on television, the ongoing war between the potato heads and the squids (terms which this audio also uses so it isn't racist) (although it probably is).
It's one of those wimey-blimey stories which is told out of order from the Time Lord's perspective but falls into place for the listener. But this release is pretty standalone with the Eighth not seeming to be bothered enough to chase up any mysteries himself.
The Battle of Giant's Causeway
... could be a proposed prequel to TV's Flux's War of the Sontarans. In that story, the clone race took advantage of the Flux and planted themselves into human history so they could battle their way through human history. Well, here they are on the Giant's Causeway in mid-last century BC but crucially unaware of their origins and under the impression they're Roman legionnaires. As you can imagine, actor Dan Starkey as the main Sontaran, deep breath, Commander Caecilius Crassus Procullus (which translates as dim-sighted fat alien), has much fun with this duality with writer Lizzy Hopley providing him with a number of excellent lines. This is a very funny script and his banter with Charley is a clear highlight.
Hello again C'rizz. Long-term readers will know I wasn't a huge fan of the Eutermesan and not just because I could never remember how to spell his name, once spending a whole review typing Cerys. I was always clear that it wasn't because of Conrad's performance but because as a very visual character there were always moments (as happens here) when a guest star has to remark on the change if he walks against an unusually coloured wall. There was always the third wheel syndrome of him getting in the way of us enjoying the Eighth Doctor and Charley's banter without him and the other two really having much to say to each other when they were alone, especially after they'd left the Divergent Universe.
The Battle of Giant's Causeway solves that issue by having him split off from the other two and being taken in by the Rutans (in more ways than one). Hopley makes good advantage of his naivety as he sees his own identity struggles in the Rutans' shape-changing abilities and Conrad's performance, picking up again after fifteen years, is fresh and honest. Perhaps one day I shall go back and reappraise his earlier instalments but there's so much other Eighth Doctor nightmarish stuff to be caught up on, it won't be for a while. I've set myself on a course of being completely caught up with Eighth Doctor stories, all of them, as soon as possible. Possibly.
Placement: Arbitrarily between Time Works and Something Inside.
Project Pendulum
Project Pendulum is a collection of digital recreations of television clocks from across the decades. Seems like this could be an ideal use for an old phone or tablet as a wall clock.
Echoes.
Birdsong
Obviously, with my highbrow brain, the title of this doesn't go to the Sebastian Faulks novel championed by William Hague on The Big Read, but to the bits of sound used to cover up the swears and unauthorised chatter from when Kermode and Mayo's podcast was at the BBC. None of which has anything to do with this audio, which has a similar story to The Rescue with the TARDIS team finding some scouts waiting for the rest of their colony to arrive, and nothing being as it seems, although it's probably not a spoiler to suggest birds have something to do with it. It features former Susan Foreman actress Jane Asher as one of the survivors and is just a very pleasant listen.
Lost Hearts
Another run-out for the celebrity historical as Monty James helps the Doctor investigate ghosts on a university campus in what ends up ploughing through a whole Moffat season of time dilations in about fifty minutes. Nicola Walker is on particularly great form as Liv finds herself seeking a solution alone whilst trying to convince the TARDIS to move using its telepathic circuits. Best in show is Tim Bentinck as the very Zaroff-like Professor Alistair Gray, whose rich voice and ripe delivery pit him against some of the show's best villains, and whose intellectual shell masks a personality which is completely unhinged and without a particularly rational motivation (the best kind).
Slow Beasts
On his website, the writer of Slow Beasts, Dan Rebellato talks about how "this is a culmination of a 48-year journey with Doctor Who" having been a fan since childhood. He's written about it loads on his blog and clearly understands the thing, so it's no surprise that this is the most original of the stories on the set. In the "slow beasts", he conjures images which might not be credibly created on screen and that can probably only really work in our imaginations. There's also some brilliant writing for the Eighth Doctor as he finds a way to communicate with these colossal statues which involves something we could all do more of: listening. There's also an imaginative use of Derek Griffiths, playing on our expectations of him as a piece of casting.
Placement: The usual.
Odeon Oldham
For EPIC: Elvis Presley in Concert. It's another Odeon with a statue in front (see also), on this occasion Annie Kenney, the suffragette who seems to have partly inspired Carey Mulligan's fictional character in the film Suffragette (2015). Possibly my favourite suburban Odeon so far. Opened in 2016 at about the time of the AMC takeover, it was built as an extension onto the existing but derelict Oldham Town Hall, retaining the fixtures of the Grade II listed building whilst still installing cinema screens into the interior, along with a massive Costa Coffee on the ground floor. It's most noticeable in Screen Two, which used to be the old court house. An usher allowed me to nip in and take some photos which I've haphazardly collaged together here:
So as not to affect the existing fixtures, the screen is a massive version of the pulldown kind you often find in conference centres, lecture theatres and people with big living rooms. Behind is the original crest or coat of arms. There's a much better image here, along with some history of the scheme. If I'd known about this I would have booked whatever film was showing here, but instead I'd opted for Screen One, which has a more traditional auditorium with stadium seating.
In the corridor leading up to Screen One is a small display of items from Oldham's original Odeon on Union Street, including these actual advertising banners.
All of these films date from 1967 when Rank still had ownership of the chain and were in the process of expansion. The rest of the areas are littered with old leather chairs from its time as council chambers. There's also an old door attached to the wall (not pictured) with no explanation of where it came from.
Odeon Bromborough
Odeon Warrington
Film For "Wuthering Heights". Warrington's original Odeon on Buttermarket Street in the city centre was a typical Oscar Deutsch art deco special designed by John Gummersall and opened in 1937. After several refurbishments, it closed in 1994 and was demolished to make way for a Yates's Wine Lodge which is now a Wetherspoons (Chester Cinemas has a shot taken during its closing week). This current building opened as an AMC in 1988, though it quickly rebranded to UCI after the takeover (h/t to Cinema Treasures for the history and a photo which includes the original ridiculous glass canopy). In 2004, it became an Odeon and in 2019 it was refurbished to become the current Luxe offering with a smaller capacity and many more recliners. The interior also manages to include a bar area and a sit-down Costa Coffee.
All the films featured in the theatrical review section of every issue of Empire Magazine as Letterboxd lists.
Film With apologies for the slightly SEO title but I didn't know what else to call this. For the past few years I've been creating Letterboxd links for every issue of the film organ Empire Magazine and now they've busted past their 450th issue, I thought it would be handy to put link to all of them in one place, so find that below. There's a lot of them so I've spaced them out for easy clicking. They also start at the top and work their way down.
Late Night Shopping (Short Trips Rarities).
But it's 2026 and since we'll be lucky if humanity reaches 2027, Big Finish have read the room and all four have been released as a reasonably priced boxed set. As Nick Briggs (creative director at Big Finish) says:
"As part of our McGannuary jollity, we're re-releasing these four great Short Trips, previously only available to subscribers of our very first Doctor Who audio range which ran for 22 years and 275 stories. We wanted others to be able to luxuriate in the sheer McGann-ness of them! And with their single narrator style and modest duration, they're ideal to listen to on the way to and from work, or short trips - see what I did there? - to relatives and friends."
The first, Late Night Shopping, is a very short trip at roughly fifteen minutes. I can see now why Big Finish decided this play in particular couldn't be released as one of the original wave of stand alone Short Trips rarities - £2.99 would have been a lot to pay for what amounts to something which would be at home as a sketch on Comic Relief Night.
It's delightful. Attack of some killer tomatoes in the aisle of a supermarket with the Doctor utilising his culinary abilities to save the planet. If it had been filmed to be watched between charity films, you could well imagine various previous Taskmaster contestants filling out the rest of the cast as the lonely enamoured shopper and harassed supermarket employees. Matt Fitton's textual efficiency amusingly sketches out the scene, aided by the old Who trick of putting fantastical scenes in mundane environments and helpful spot effects or Foley work. Can anyone tell me if these and the dizzily camp remix of the title music were on the original release?
All of which said, for much of the short runtime I was distracted by how much the reader, Hugh Ross, an actor whose CV stretches all the way back to the late 60s but has managed to dodge Doctor Who until this recording (despite appearing in numerous wilderness years substitutes like Sea of Souls and Invasion: Earth), sounds like the late Peter Jones, the Voice of the Book in The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy. At one point the Doctor says he's going to fry something in "some nice hot olive oil" and it's impossible not to hear an echo of the Guide entry for the Infinite Improbability Drive, "a nice hot cup of tea". With that in mind, you can imagine what his vocal characterisation of Lucie Miller sounds like. Incredible stuff.
Placement: Arbitrarily next to All The Fun of the Fair towards the start of Lucie's second season.
Odeon Camden
Film For Sentimental Value. Really friendly staff though its clear that the cinema itself hasn't had much investment for quiet some time with mucky staircases, broken seats and stains on the screen. Sat at the front of Screen 5 which put the image directly in front of me which along with having to climb stairs to reach the seats in the auditorium offered Manchester Cornerhouse Screen 3 vibes. Originally opened as a large single screen Gaumont in 1937 and has operated in various arrangements and guises over the years (full history at Cinema Treasures here). As I was leaving I informed an usher I'd been chatting to about the stains on the screen, at which point she told me they'd be closing in five weeks so its unlikely to be replaced or refurbished. Cinema Treasures explains that by the end of the year this ninety year old cinema with its Art Deco foyer will be demolished to make way for student halls.
Odeon Leicester Square
Film For 28 Years Later: The Bone Temple. The chain's flagship and built as such by Oscar D back in 1937. As well as a box-ticking exercise, this was the fulfilment of an ambition to visit the site of so many premieres and Royal Film Performances across the decades (although the late Queen stopped going after The Chronicles of Narnia: The Voyage of the Dawn Treader and who can blame her). The cost always seemed ridiculous (at present £25 for the cheapest ticket, £32.50 in the Royal Box). But with a MyLimitless membership, it's £3 and only because it's a recliner seat in Dolby Cinema screen. For that price, how could I not ... spend £50 going down to London and back for it?
It is an absolutely massive auditorium on two tiers of the kind which used to be incredibly common in the UK. Refurbished in 2018 to Luxe standard with a reduced seat count of recliners and the installation of a Dolby projection system which offers vivid colours and blacks which are blacker than black. The sound echoes into the space in a way I haven’t heard since the ABC Cinema on Lime Street closed. Here is the view from the very back row, at which point you’re probably going to get a larger image watching it on your phone:
What look like the arms of a chair are actually replicas of the Art Deco features which were removed in the 1960s but added during the most recent refurbishment and looked humongous from my front-row seat. The cinema has four other screens which are about the size of the average Everyman auditorium and were added in 1990 by covering over what was the alleyway at the back of the cinema. But honestly, I wish all Odeons were as obviously well-maintained as this.
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