Life Sometimes, when anxiety hits, I have days that just don't start well. I manage to get my brain working to some extent by mid-afternoon, and then I have about eight good hours before bedtime. My alarm clock is at the other end of the room, which forces me to get up and turn it off. This morning, when it rang at 7 a.m., I did just that, went to the loo, and because it was a bit chilly, jumped back into bed to listen to the news headlines. At which point, I fell asleep again.
At 9 a.m., I woke up again, and my anxiety really kicked in. My whole body felt tight, and I had the most immense pain in my stomach, which felt like it was weighing me down like a medicine ball, or if one of those cartoon hippos from a Disney cartoon were sitting on top of me. At which point, I spiralled. Sometimes anxiety happens because there's something in your subconscious which is freaking you out, and you have to work out what it is. Sometimes it's just anxiety about having anxiety and not knowing why you have anxiety.
After about half an hour, I managed to convince my body to get out of bed. I cooked some porridge and watched this slightly patronising YouTube video about Dua Lipa's capabilities as an interviewer and one of those Star Trek theme videos this time for Enterprise, Trip's reaction giving me a good giggle. By then, I'd taken my anxiety medicine, which often makes me drowsy. So I fell asleep again, this time in an armchair for another hour and a half, waking up again at about midday. It's not until about 1 p.m., after I'd had a chat with my Dad and made a sandwich, that I felt more like myself again (whatever that is).
Why am I telling you all of this? Because something which has gone missing from me for years is writing this blog. It's been spluttering along, but actually writing something which is actually about my own life disappeared about a decade or so ago, at about the time when I had my first anxiety attack. So perhaps by putting some of that pain into words and shouting it out into the world, it'll help me come to terms with it a bit more. Why not just keep it as a personal journal? Because it'll force me to make it into something consumable by others.
This does, of course, fall under the genre of blog post "apologizing for not posting more," for which the obvious response is "no one cares, just post more." But at least I'm not starting a podcast. For one thing, I tried it once, and no one should have my speaking voice imposed on them, especially if it's unscripted, and also because it'll give me a moment to stop and think about what I'm about to write and even if I want it to go out into the world or just leave it in draft.
Also the Sugababes have a new single out.
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