Film Three years ago, The Guardian ran a short series of columns by a "secret actor" and I spent those two months trying to work out who it was, which I never really did.
Now there's a new column, The Secret Actress, talking about working in the LA scene.
Unlike last time, they've dropped a rather useful piece of information. That it's being written by "an Oscar and Golden Globe-nominated actor" which means that it's possible to make a correlation before even starting in on the columns themselves.
Except checking a list of all the female actors nominated for an Oscar in any category with a list of all the female actors nominated for a Golden Glove in any category (film or television) yields a list of over a hundred people:
Alfre Woodard
Amy Irving
Amy Madigan
Angelina Jolie
Anjelica Huston
Anna Paquin
Annette Bening
Barbara Hershey
Bette Midler
Candice Bergen
Carol Kane
Catherine Keener
Charlize Theron
Cher
Chloë Sevigny
Christine Lahti
Debbie Reynolds
Diahann Carroll
Diana Ross
Diane Keaton
Diane Ladd
Diane Lane
Dianne Wiest
Doris Day
Eileen Brennan
Elizabeth McGovern
Ellen Burstyn
Emily Watson
Emma Thompson
Faye Dunaway
Felicity Huffman
Frances McDormand
Geena Davis
Gena Rowlands
Geraldine Page
Glenda Jackson
Glenn Close
Halle Berry
Helen Hunt
Helen Mirren
Helena Bonham Carter
Hilary Swank
Holly Hunter
Ingrid Bergman
Jane Fonda
Janet McTeer
Jean Simmons
Jessica Lange
Jessica Tandy
Joan Allen
Joan Plowright
Joanne Woodward
Judi Dench
Judy Davis
Julianne Moore
Kate Winslet
Katharine Hepburn
Kathy Bates
Laura Dern
Laura Linney
Lee Remick
Lesley Ann Warren
Lily Tomlin
Liza Minnelli
Lorraine Bracco
Maggie Gyllenhaal
Maggie Smith
Mare Winningham
Mariel Hemingway
Marlee Matlin
Mary Tyler Moore
Melanie Griffith
Meryl Streep
Minnie Driver
Mira Sorvino
Miranda Richardson
Natalie Wood
Nicole Kidman
Olympia Dukakis
Patricia Arquette
Patricia Neal
Peggy Ashcroft
Piper Laurie
Queen Latifah
Rachel Griffiths
Rosemary Harris
Sally Field
Sally Kirkland
Samantha Morton
Shirley MacLaine
Saoirse Ronan
Sigourney Weaver
Sissy Spacek
Sophie Okonedo
Stockard Channing
Susan Sarandon
Sylvia Sidney
Taraji P. Henson
Toni Collette
Uma Thurman
Vanessa Redgrave
Viola Davis
An awful lot of these are pretty plausible, I suppose. As we read through the columns though, it becomes a process of elimination.
First column: She's worked all over the world and went to a school were the English and Drama departments were the same thing. Early in her career she took her mother to a premiere and ... no nothing especially solid.
Second column: "I was asleep when it was announced I’d been nominated for an Academy Award."
Well now, that's quite the thing isn't it?
Saoirse Ronan was asleep for her Brooklyn nomination. She said in her interview that her Mum told her, whereas in the column there's a whole business with a fire escape which might be the same thing. Plus it's not her first nomination. But can she be considered an LA actress? Also this feels like someone talking about an event from some time ago.
There's also this bombshell:
"As for that ceremony – I don’t remember that much of it. I do remember getting hugely sweaty armpits and Meryl Streep helping me dry them under the hand-blower thing in the ladies room."
Which the Vulture have decided means its Kate Winslet.
Except this also means that Winslet has to be turning out these columns for The Guardian on a weekly basis despite being Kate Winslet.
Column Three: Nothing which can specifically be connected to anyone.
At this point I have no idea.
But if we are going to spoil their fun, we have to work from the basis that it's someone who has the time to sit and write these things.
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