feeling listless

TV After watching the first show tonight (which featured at least one moment which should be in the best bits at the end) I can only assume the production meeting at Big Brother this year took place at the local pub after many beers ...

Producer #1: You know what I'm sick of.
Producer #2: Woh?
Producer #1: The press. They keep slating us every year for picking boring housemates.
Producer #2: Yeah. Bastards.
Producer #1: I mean look at Tickle. He was funny wasn't he?
Producer #2: Yeah.
Producer #1: And Jade Goody.
Producer #2: Yeah.
Producer #1: All they seem to want is sex and violence.
Producer #2: Vio - viol -- fightin'
Producer #1: You know what we should do this year?
Producer #2: Woh?
Producer #1: Give them what they want.
Producer #2: Yeah!
Producer #1: We'll ditch the twelve we've already got. Apart from the art student.
Producer #4: Will you stop going on about Shell. What kind of a name is that?
Producer #3: You fancy her la la la ...
Producer #1: Shut up and go back to sleep.
Producer #3: Got any nuts?
Producer #1: No. What was I saying.
Producer #4: Ditching eleven.
Producer #1: Right. And keeping Shell. Anway, the idea is ... we'll pick people who've spent their whole life trying to avoid each other. Like that one Marco -- the one who was madder than Dowling. The screamer. We'll stick him in with ... Ahmed.
Producer #4: The self confessed homophobe! But aren't they both lawyers. Oooh interesting. (rubs hands together) This is good. Pass me a napkin and pen so I can write them down. Thanks.
Producer #1: Who next, oh hold what about ... what was his name .... "the shagger from the shire".
Producer #4: Not the hobbit that came in?
Producer #1: No. Jason.
Producer #3: No.
Producer #1: Yes.
Producer #2: Yes. Err....
Producer #4: Yes.
Producer #1: He's in. Didn't seem like too much of an exhibitionist. So we need someone to add contrast .. erm ...
Producer #4: What about Daniel ...
Producer #1: Who was? Oh the hairdresser. Who likes seducing straight men. But isn't that two Gay men?
Producer #4: Yes. Well. Yes. But put them next to Ahmed.
Producer #1: Nightmare. Now we're getting somewhere. How many is that so far?
Producer #3: One ... two ... Three!
Producer #1: Four. Something about four though. Four A-Levels ... Stuart. He said he was intelligent. So he must be. So we'll have to have him in the house. (finishes pint. Thinks for a moment. Looks at glass.) We need more beer.
Producer #5: (incredulous) It's your round.
Producer #1: I'm thinking. I do all my best thinking when I'm pissed ....
Producer #5: It's a wonder you can be so coherent.
Producer #5 slopes off towards the bar.
Producer #1: What special interest groups haven't we covered. The black political type.
Producer #4: Victor.
Producer #1: Victor! Now there is something missing.
Producer #3: Girls ... ha ha ha ha ha
Producer #2: Ha ha ha ha
Producer #1: We've got Shell. What else do we need?
Producer #4: Five more.
Producer #1: Ok ... ok ... well my girl will need someone to talk to. An equal. Someone who could almost be her sister. How about ... Vanessa?
Producer #4: Why her?
Producer #1: Oh any random blonde will do. Plus she was born in South Africa so there is that international element.
Producer #4: But won't people get confused between her and Shell?
Producer #1: Their accents are different. See. That works. Write it down.
Producer #5 returns from bar with beers.
Producer #3: Did they have any nuts?
Producer #5: You didn't ask for any.
Producer #3: Please, ple-ple-please.
Producer #5: Uhhh. (storms back towards bar) Isn't it funny how I'm not drinking and I'm the one buying all the beer?
Producer #1: Remember we had that bet were we said we couldn't find anyone in the auditions who could be outwitted by Helen from BB Two?
Producer #4: No. Oh you mean the bet I WON!
Producer #1: Yes. Well how about we put Emma in with this lot.
Producer #4: That's evil.
Producer #1: Yes! But we've got to make sure we edit her interview footage so that she looks particularly stupid otherwise people aren't going to buy it. Now I don't want Shell to be lonely and I know we've already put Vanessa in but how about we put that really cute weblogger in. The one who works in web design and spends lots of time in coffee houses -- the one has lots of cats. They can have girly chats.
Producer #4: Kitten.
Producer #1: Kitten. She was really nice. The public are really going to like her. But make sure we don't pick the wrong one.
Producer #4: No. Grrr. I hate that girl. She was mean to me.
Producer #1: Me too. She made signs. With her fingers. How many slots have we got left?
Producer #4: Two. Now I don't really want to bring it up because you know I don't want you to think that it's because I'm a lesbian. But I think that since you've got Marco and Daniel that there should be some equality. Even up the numbers.
Producer #1: But we tried all that in BB One.
Producer #4: Yes but ...
Producer #1: How about a bi? Someone with a boyfriend but likes flirting with girls. Michelle?
Producer #4: (steaming) You're only picking her because her name is Michelle as well.
Producer #1: Is it? So it is. But she did say she wanted to be glamour model.
Producer #4: (relaxing). Oh. Oh yeah. Erm .... the tabloids are going to love her.
Producer #1: How many is that.
Producer #5: They didn't have any nuts. I bought you some Pork Scratchings. Hello. Hello?
Producer #4: He's asleep again.
Producer #5 (sitting down): What have I missed?
Producer #4: We're up to eleven.
Producer #1: I'm stuck. Pass us a scratching.
Producer #5: Who have you got. The napkin? (reads) Right. Right.... that should be good. I hope that's the Kitten I'm thinking of ... That's create some arguments.
Producer #1: So you like it.
Producer #5: Should be some sex and violence going on in there.
Producer #1: That's what we thought. So who do you think is missing?
Producer #5: You're actually asking my opinion for a change?
Producer #1: Yes. My head ...
Producer #5: OK. Nadia...
Producer #1: Nadia?
Producer #4: Which?
Producer #5: Well what you've got here are a series of degrees ... sexual orientation, political belief, some would say attractiveness. I'm sober and I couldn't have picked better list. But what you need is someone in the middle who crosses all the boundaries and covers all the basis. Nadia is your girl.
Producer #4: Nadia ....
Producer #1: The Portugese virgin. The international thing like Vanessa. She's perfect. Well done! Pass us the napkin and I'll phone Davina and tell 'er ....
Producer #4: Doesn't he know she's a ...
Producer #5: It'll be funnier if we don't tell him ...
Producer #4: Look I've got a few concerns. I just went along with him because he's pissed. Won't the press just say that we're pandering to them in order to get coverage. And aren't fans going to say that we're just trying to create pressure cooker and throwing out the idea that this is all an experiment. And aren't the public going to hate us anyway because there isn't anyone to like in there. Couldn't it all go horribly wrong?
Producer #5: Yes, but then he'll get fired and we'll get to do it our way, Early night?