Elephant Parade

Commerce As a matter of course, I've Voight-Kampff tested IKEA's Anna. See if you can spot the moment when she admits to be a replicant. I'm just off to call in a good Blade Runner ...

Anna: Welcome to IKEA. How can I help you?

Me: Reaction time is a factor in this, so please pay attention. Now, answer as quickly as you can.

Anna: Thank you for being so polite.

Me: One-one-eight-seven at Hunter-Vasser.

Anna: It's not always possible for me to fully understand what it is you mean. This is one of those times.

Me: What?

Anna: I said ...

Me: Nice place?

Anna: All of IKEA's products are made to the highest standards.

Me: No, just warming you up, that's all.

Anna: You said it.

Me: You're in a desert, walking along in the sand when all of the sudden-

Anna: You can find all products on the UDDEN product line in the page I am now opening for you.

Me: Yes. You're in a desert walking along in the sand when all of the sudden you look down-

Anna: You can find all products on the UDDEN product line in the page I am now opening for you.

Me: What?

Anna: I don't know the answer to that question yet, I am sorry. Please contact your local store for help on the issue.

Me: It doesn't make any difference what desert, it's completely hypothetical.

Anna: If you say so.

Me: Maybe you're fed up, maybe you want to be by yourself, who knows? You look down and you see a tortoise, Leon, it's crawling toward you-

Anna: I have detailed knowledge of IKEA products and services. How would you like to use my knowledge of IKEA?

Me: Know what a turtle is?

Anna: I know people love animals, but I'm here just to talk about IKEA.

Me: Same thing.

Anna: It's not always possible for me to fully understand what it is you mean. This is one of those times.

Me: You reach down, you flip the tortoise over on its back Leon.

Anna: You can find all products on the LOEN product line in the page I am now opening for you.

Me: The tortoise lays on its back, its belly baking in the hot sun beating its legs trying to turn itself over but it can't, not without your help, but you're not helping.

Anna: Here you will find the Bed Legs.

Me: I mean, you're not helping. Why is that Leon? (pause) They're just questions, Leon. In answer to your query, they're written down for me. It's a test, designed to provoke an emotional response. (pause) Shall we continue? Describe in single words, only the good things that come in to your mind about: your mother.

Anna: As I am only an advanced computer program, I cannot answer more than one sentence at a time. Please simplify and repeat the most important question within your previous input, and I will try to reply as accurately as possible. I am opening a page now which you can use if you wish to contact Customer Services. Thank you very much!

Me: Yeah.

Anna: Very well.

[Further attempts at glory]