Life After much thought, I'm taking a break of Twitter for a week which means my hands are idle and though there are jigsaws to do and episodes of television to watch, it does offer some motivation to update this here blog.
Looking for a lockdown project, I've decided to try and answer all of the questions in Richard Herring's book, Emergency Questions: 1001 Conversation Savers For Every Occasion.
If I cover twenty questions at a time, that should offer at least a fifty blog posts of premium personal content.
Important hat tip to Tim Worthington who's been doing these at random on his @outonbluesix Twitter account for a while which is why I ended up buying the book in the first place.
(1) Would you prefer to have a hand made out of ham or an armpit that dispensed sun cream?
Sun cream. Apart from the practicalities of being able to type with a ham hand (as Rich says in the book it'll also leave a greasy residue everywhere), at least the sun cream will have the bonus of a fragrance other than BO. Plus my armpits can get pretty dry sometimes so at least one of them would be moist.
(2) If you had to have sex with an animal - if you had to - what animal would you have sex with and why?
Does a mermaid count?
(3) Have you ever seen a ghost?
Yes. No. Maybe. When I was very young, under ten, there was a night when I screamed after seeing something at the end of my bed, but it looked like my Dad in pain so it was probably a nightmare rather than a spectre.
(4) Have you ever seen a Bigfoot?
One of my university friends was nearly seven feet tall and must have had at least size twelve feet in order to support all of that. His nickname was Bambi. I think you can imagine why.
(5) If an Emergency Question is asked in a forest, but the person who asks it is immediately crushed to death by a falling tree, do you still have to answer? What if you didn't quite hear it over the sound of the falling tree?
Yes, you would have to answer even if you didn't hear it completely. After you'd called for the emergency services. You could probably weave it into the statement you give to the police. "Well, they'd just asked me ...."
(6) Isn't silver actually better than gold?
Ask Michael Johnson and Roger Black. In the run up to the Commonwealth Games in 2002, which was in Manchester and at which I volunteered, there was a mass gathering in the arena at Victoria Station and Roger Black was asked to give a motivational speech. He said, that he was always content with silver because he knew he could never beat Johnson so he always raced the medal he knew he could win. Part of me believes this. But there must have been occasions when he saw his competitor on a flyer when he wondered why he wasn't strong enough.
(7) What is your favourite cheese?
Cheddar. It's just so versatile.
(8) Has your sibling ever seen a ghost?
I don't have one.
(9) Who is you favourite historical character?
Liverpool's Anglican Cathedral began construction in 1904 and was finished, finally, in 1978, which as you can see included the periods of both world wars. Although these national efforts impinged on the construction of the building, it didn't stop, even in world war two, even after it was damaged in a bombing raid, it's said during the cathedral tour that there was always at least one man working on the building, perhaps even only putting one stone in place per day. He's my favourite historical character, someone who continues under those odds when it seems like the work you're doing is impossible and may not even be completed in their lifetime.
(10) What do you think happens when we die?
I can't tell you what I know, only what I fear. That when we die, our mind continues functioning right up until we decompose, trapped in, either in a dream like state (which would account for the near death experiences) or worse just locked into a non-functioning body and we feel ourselves ebb away. That it's not the spark of life which keeps us alive, we're just the chemicals.
(11) If you could choose on thing for you armpit to dispense, what would that thing be?
Advice.
(12) Would you rather be a cow or a badger?
You're fucked either way. As Rich says you're either being milked or gassed by farmers. Probably a badger and hope to god Brian May gets to me in time.
(13) What age were you breastfed until?
I was bottle-fed.
(14) If you had marry a Muppet - if you had to - which Muppet would you marry?
Janice from Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem. Who thinking back was probably one of my first crushes, you know from just before "the changes" when you're too young to really know what it's all about.
(15) Have you ever had a near death experience?
If this means, oh fuck I'm going to die, that would be when a fairground was parked up in Sefton Park about ten years ago. There was one of those spinning rocket things which did a 360 degree circle and the safety bar wasn't attached properly. As we spun upside down, I could feel it loosening and I had to hold it in place. I'm still convinced that if I'd let go I would have plunged to the floor, bashing my head on the structure as I dropped down.
(16) Would you rather have a tit that dispenses talcum powder or a finger than can travel through time? What would you do with such a power?
A theme to these questions is developing. Talc. I need my finger. See question one.
(17) What's the worst experience you've ever had in a hotel?
Having to endure this all night at the Premiere Inn on Lime Street having gone there to get some peace and quiet:
(18) Which celebrity would you like to stroke your hair as you die?
Kristen Bell. She's very kind to sloths.
(19) Do you have a favourite towel? What is your best story about it?
At the moment, a beach towel in the shape of a lolly-ice which was given to me as a freebie. It reminds me of the holidays I've never had and now won't be able to.
(20) What is you most mundane encounter with a celebrity?
Held the toilet door open for Mark Kermode at the BFI Southbank.
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