Emergency Questions Twenty-One to Thirty.

Life Where next, Richard?

(21) How sensitive are your nipples?

Not at all, at least when I'm caressing them myself. Tough as bullets.

(22) Would you rather date a man who has a six foot tall penis or a man who instead of having a penis has a tiny man there?

Richard goes into some detail as to the nature of this tiny man, that he's wearing a suit and has his own personality which seems like an unnecessary distraction when you're trying to feel the love tonight. So I'd have to say the large penis. At the very least it would be a conversation piece.

(23) Have you ever come up with an idea for conceptual or performance art that you think is better than any of the guff that gets nominated for the Turner Prize?

This seems to exist as a feed line for some of Herring's material. There is a lot of tosh at the Turner Prize, but also every year something extraordinary, which was the case when it turned up in Liverpool twelve years ago. Although that Nathan Coley installation piece, in which he put wooden blocks on the floor across the doorways in his section which meant that people in wheelchairs had to phone ahead so the gallery staff could put in ramps was awful. But in general I'm too much of a fan of the arts to engage in such frivolity. Suckers.

(24) Are you ever mistaken for a celebrity? Which one?

Not specifically. Back before the great weight loss of 2013, a work colleague did suggest I look like a fat David Tennant. Which when I lost the weight you think would mean ... but no.

(25) Do you have any good ideas for terrorist atrocities?

My Marvel Cinematic Universe BDs are displayed in chronological rather than release order, with Captain Marvel between Agent Carter and Iron Man.

(26) What's the best advice you've ever received and ignored?

Eating fish is good for you. Can't stand the smell or taste (unless batter is involved).

(27) Have you ever had the opportunity to assassinate a public figure?

I actively try not to be in the same room as them in case something happens.

(28) Does sex with a robot count as cheating on your partner?

Yes. Absolutely.

(29) Why can't everyone be babies?

Considering the behaviour of some people during the lockdown, there's strong evidence that a large cross section of the population still are.

(30) Kettle crisps are not as nice as they once were. Have I changed, or have they? DON'T LET THEM ANSWER THAT! IT's RHETORICAL. If you could travel back in time and compare any food of today with an equivalent of the past: What time would you choose? Which food?

The 1990s and Fruitopia, a drink from the Coca-Cola Company so ahead of its time, it had Kate Bush compose the music for the adverts.



Snapple was no match for it. I've read that the name has continued use on other concoctions but it's the original and best which I ache for.