feeling listless

Dating New Woman magazine flows out hints and tips on how to become the perfect woman to snag the man you want. As you would expect, male stereotyping abounds, and although I'm sure it's meant to be tongue in cheek, some of the suggestions bare closer scrutiny.

In the section entitled "Bluff your way as a film buff" we have: "The bloke you're after is a film freak. But you can't tell your Kevin Spacey from your Kevin Costner. So, to fool him into thinking you know everything there is to know about films ever, buy The Godfather Parts One and Two, and The Star Wars Trilogy (but not The Phantom Menace because it's rubbish) and learn them inside out." Apart from objecting to the label 'film freak' (surely no way to attract one if you want one), in my experience ask a girl which of the sacred trilogy they really like they'll always answer Jedi. Why? The Ewoks. And would a laygirl really understand how wrong it is that Greedo shoots first now?

In the section entitled "He's a car freak": "The bloke you want to impress is a car freak and would be wowed by a bird who knows how to fiddle around under the bonnet. So register yourself for car maintenance classes pronto - and it won't just be handy for pulling - you'll now know what to do with a dipstick for the rest of your life." I've always thought that the best way to attract men was not to know a thing about cars so that they could be needlessly impressive when they get them running again.

And finally in "Impress a boffin": "Appear cool and aloof by smiling mysteriously if you're not exactly sure what you should be saying. If someone asks your opinion on a certain subject, smile in a 'thinking really deeply' way and say 'now - that's going to take a LOT of thought…I'm going to have to sleep on it…' " Like attract like. Max Von Sydow and Barbara Hershey were never going to live happily ever after in 'Hannah and Her Sisters' ("Imagine the kind of mind that enjoys wrestling...") I've always found that girls who are really impressed with my mind want help with their homework more than a date. Oh the cynicism.

But it's all tongue in cheek and the final suggestion is truer than all (no, not "No man? Try tantric sex.").

Just be yourself.