Life Now I know how the astro-monkeys felt during the nineteen-sixties. At 8 o’clock this morning I was sitting in a cubicle with a pair of sound proof headphones strapped to my head pressing a button each time I heard an exceedingly faint sound.

I was having my ears tested as part of my newish job.

Without access to anything other than the sound of your own heart beat, breathing and the pulse ramming through your brain, you find yourself concentrating really hard, as though being unable to hear anything would mean that you’re failing some test. And the sounds I was supposed to be hearing were so faint I couldn’t tell if they were from the headphones or my imagination. I’m convinced that some of them were.

This was followed by a spell looking through a viewer which seemed to be modeled on Spock’s scanner from the Starship Enterprise. My eyesight has always been an issue for me – I’ve always dreaded the idea of getting glasses which was why this was the first test I’ve had in ten years. My heart was thumping as I squinted to see the letters through the early morning blare, guessed the number of circles; the numbers in the blobs and whether I could see the lights flashing in my peripheral vision.

My hearing is normal. My eyesight is fine. Thank God.

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